12:20.
Bono and Boone and Billy.
Monday, June 27, 2005
12:03.
I started replying this something like 3 weeks or more ago but didn't finish it. Oops.
1 - Total amount of music files on your computer?
I'm at work now so I am just going to have to estimate how many files my lappie back home has. I'm going to say probably close to 3,000.
2 - The last CD you bought was?
Last CD I received for work was The Tears' Here Comes The Tears. Last CD I purchased with my own money was Bright Eyes' I'm Wide Awake It's Morning
3 - What is the song you last listened to before reading this message? Last night, the last Mp3 I remember hearing was Fastball's version of She's So High.
4 - Write down 5 songs that mean a lot to you and why. I go through phases when I listen to certain songs. There are few songs that are constant throughout my life but ok, here are some that have lasted with me for quite a while. These are NOT my Top 5. If you ask me for them, I'd have to spend sleepless nights thinking it through. So don't ask.
- Walk On, U2
"and I know it aches and your heart it breaks, you can only take so much but walk on". Familiar feelings.
- You Belong To Me, Vonda Shepherd version
It's beautiful, paints images of the world and love, Bob Dylan is an amazing songwriter and I still like Ally McBeal.
[I have the Bob Dylan, Tori Amos, Jason Wade versions too]
- Fly Me To The Moon
I used to listen to the Frank Sinatra version. Now I listen to Tony Bennett's more. Something inside has always desired to fly and at times, to fly away. I first heard the Bennett version on the last night I had in Melbourne during my last stay. Everyone was outside, I was surfing on Ray's lappie and the version was so stunning I was enraptured.
- We Will Dance, Steven Curtis Chapman
It's our song :)
- If I Stand, Rich Mullins
Brilliant song.
"So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep, let it be as a [wo[man
Who is longing for [her] home"
5 - Who are you going to pass this stick to and why?
I plead online hermitdom again.
I started replying this something like 3 weeks or more ago but didn't finish it. Oops.
1 - Total amount of music files on your computer?
I'm at work now so I am just going to have to estimate how many files my lappie back home has. I'm going to say probably close to 3,000.
2 - The last CD you bought was?
Last CD I received for work was The Tears' Here Comes The Tears. Last CD I purchased with my own money was Bright Eyes' I'm Wide Awake It's Morning
3 - What is the song you last listened to before reading this message? Last night, the last Mp3 I remember hearing was Fastball's version of She's So High.
4 - Write down 5 songs that mean a lot to you and why. I go through phases when I listen to certain songs. There are few songs that are constant throughout my life but ok, here are some that have lasted with me for quite a while. These are NOT my Top 5. If you ask me for them, I'd have to spend sleepless nights thinking it through. So don't ask.
- Walk On, U2
"and I know it aches and your heart it breaks, you can only take so much but walk on". Familiar feelings.
- You Belong To Me, Vonda Shepherd version
It's beautiful, paints images of the world and love, Bob Dylan is an amazing songwriter and I still like Ally McBeal.
[I have the Bob Dylan, Tori Amos, Jason Wade versions too]
- Fly Me To The Moon
I used to listen to the Frank Sinatra version. Now I listen to Tony Bennett's more. Something inside has always desired to fly and at times, to fly away. I first heard the Bennett version on the last night I had in Melbourne during my last stay. Everyone was outside, I was surfing on Ray's lappie and the version was so stunning I was enraptured.
- We Will Dance, Steven Curtis Chapman
It's our song :)
- If I Stand, Rich Mullins
Brilliant song.
"So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep, let it be as a [wo[man
Who is longing for [her] home"
5 - Who are you going to pass this stick to and why?
I plead online hermitdom again.
Friday, June 24, 2005
12:16.
Not ashamed.
Those two words have been in my head for close to a week now. Maybe five days? Somewhere around there.
Not ashamed.
Not ashamed to declare to the world that I'm in love. Not ashamed to call my man my boyfriend and be affectionate. Not ashamed of what we have.
"How the mighty have fallen" - I've heard this phrase a couple of times from close friends. They were describing me, how I have truly completely fallen for you, soppy, emo and all.
How the mighty have fallen. And I'm not ashamed of it.
We were careful in our love, in the road we took to get here where we are. We are still prudent, knowing there are lines, but maybe I'm just that bit reckless now.
I'm not keeping quiet, just in case I get hurt. Fear should not be part of this. I'm not staying silent, in case people see this un-me side of me and deem me weak. Pride (the wrong type) should not be part of we. I'm not keeping it in.
I want to shout it out from the rooftops.
'cause our God rocks. you rocks. we rock.
Not ashamed.
Those two words have been in my head for close to a week now. Maybe five days? Somewhere around there.
Not ashamed.
Not ashamed to declare to the world that I'm in love. Not ashamed to call my man my boyfriend and be affectionate. Not ashamed of what we have.
"How the mighty have fallen" - I've heard this phrase a couple of times from close friends. They were describing me, how I have truly completely fallen for you, soppy, emo and all.
How the mighty have fallen. And I'm not ashamed of it.
We were careful in our love, in the road we took to get here where we are. We are still prudent, knowing there are lines, but maybe I'm just that bit reckless now.
I'm not keeping quiet, just in case I get hurt. Fear should not be part of this. I'm not staying silent, in case people see this un-me side of me and deem me weak. Pride (the wrong type) should not be part of we. I'm not keeping it in.
I want to shout it out from the rooftops.
'cause our God rocks. you rocks. we rock.
Monday, June 20, 2005
18:36.
It's back to the Sg. Back in the media conglomerate. Blogging from my black IBM PC.
Thinking of you. Of us. Of wow.
I remember: In January this year, sat on my blue futon in my bedroom in Melbourne. The housemates had gone back, here. You just left my apartment. And me, alone with God, sobbed my heart out. I had laid you down before God before, prior to that. I had tried and kept trying, but that night, with wrenching sobs and a heart that physically ached, I completely laid down how I feel, I laid down you, on the altar.
I never cried over a guy before.
Before you.
I remember: February 2005. Walking away from you on Feb 5. Missing you terribly every single day. I remember crying myself to sleep on Feb 6th. After bursting into tears over our Msn conversation.
I remember our conversations, I remember when we first came clean with how we feel, I remember the torment over the long period when we didn't and I remember the torment over being apart even after we knew where we stood and now stand.
It wasn't an easy road. We had to walk a tightrope, a thin line that we could only walk with faith and trust and much prayer. But I would never swop any of it.
Because you are worth it.
And because I've never felt the way I do for you for any one else before.
God has turned our mourning into dancing, our tears into laughter. Everything that has happened was so for a purpose. Our journey took its time with the milestones because we needed time.
We had to face how we feel as individuals before we knew our feelings were mutual. We had to have every event put into our paths to mould us. We had to be tested, to know what we want, to know each other better, to have our hearts put on the altar for the refining fire. We had to - and still do so have to - give each other to God again and again because ultimately, dear, He owns us and He is No. 1. Our first Love.
"I've watched the sunrise in your eyes
And I've seen the tears fall like the rain
You've seen me fight so brave and strong
You've held my hand when I'm afraid
We've watched the seasons come and go
We'll see them come and go again
But in winter's chill, or summer's breeze
One thing will not be changin'
We will dance"
That's our song. The song that played on the car's CD player when you parked on a wintry cold June 19th at Melbourne Airport, the song that was playing when I cried for that short few minutes after you parked, as we hugged a mere hour plus away from the second goodbye we had to say.
I remember: June 15th. When, somewhere in the last hour of that Wednesday night, we finally had a status. We moved from courtship to relationship. We became a couple. Before that, we watched our first movie together after ahem, Metalica: Some Kind Of Monster, the only other movie we watched together before (I do still think that makes us unique, heh).
Putting my head on your shoulder made my heart skip a few beats.
You still make my heart skip.
Six months. That's the period that we have to face before we meet again.
But I'm not worried. The foundations have been laid. Unless The Lord builds the house, the workers labour in vain. We feel right, you feel right, and I know God is in our relationship. Our Saviour and Maker is the reason why this feels right and as we honour Him still, and love Him ever more, He will take care of the details. That's the key. God.
It's always God.
Dearest God and Dad, You take charge of this. You lead us, guide us, mould us, teach us to love You and love each other the way Love and a relationship are meant to be lived. We refuse to do this any other way. We want You to be the Head of us.
The foundations - seek Him first, love Him most, wanting the best for each other, wanting us to glorify Jesus always - are laid even as we are learning over this distance, over time to be better for each other.
I will hold on, other guys don't matter. The tears you have shed for me makes me even more sure of you, and more thankful for you even as I am amazed by you.
I will hold on and learn to be even more a woman of God.
'cause you deserve the best.
Yes, just like I deserve the best. I love seeing how God is further bringing you to new heights and places.
And R a y m o n d Chuah?
I love you.
It's back to the Sg. Back in the media conglomerate. Blogging from my black IBM PC.
Thinking of you. Of us. Of wow.
I remember: In January this year, sat on my blue futon in my bedroom in Melbourne. The housemates had gone back, here. You just left my apartment. And me, alone with God, sobbed my heart out. I had laid you down before God before, prior to that. I had tried and kept trying, but that night, with wrenching sobs and a heart that physically ached, I completely laid down how I feel, I laid down you, on the altar.
I never cried over a guy before.
Before you.
I remember: February 2005. Walking away from you on Feb 5. Missing you terribly every single day. I remember crying myself to sleep on Feb 6th. After bursting into tears over our Msn conversation.
I remember our conversations, I remember when we first came clean with how we feel, I remember the torment over the long period when we didn't and I remember the torment over being apart even after we knew where we stood and now stand.
It wasn't an easy road. We had to walk a tightrope, a thin line that we could only walk with faith and trust and much prayer. But I would never swop any of it.
Because you are worth it.
And because I've never felt the way I do for you for any one else before.
God has turned our mourning into dancing, our tears into laughter. Everything that has happened was so for a purpose. Our journey took its time with the milestones because we needed time.
We had to face how we feel as individuals before we knew our feelings were mutual. We had to have every event put into our paths to mould us. We had to be tested, to know what we want, to know each other better, to have our hearts put on the altar for the refining fire. We had to - and still do so have to - give each other to God again and again because ultimately, dear, He owns us and He is No. 1. Our first Love.
"I've watched the sunrise in your eyes
And I've seen the tears fall like the rain
You've seen me fight so brave and strong
You've held my hand when I'm afraid
We've watched the seasons come and go
We'll see them come and go again
But in winter's chill, or summer's breeze
One thing will not be changin'
We will dance"
That's our song. The song that played on the car's CD player when you parked on a wintry cold June 19th at Melbourne Airport, the song that was playing when I cried for that short few minutes after you parked, as we hugged a mere hour plus away from the second goodbye we had to say.
I remember: June 15th. When, somewhere in the last hour of that Wednesday night, we finally had a status. We moved from courtship to relationship. We became a couple. Before that, we watched our first movie together after ahem, Metalica: Some Kind Of Monster, the only other movie we watched together before (I do still think that makes us unique, heh).
Putting my head on your shoulder made my heart skip a few beats.
You still make my heart skip.
Six months. That's the period that we have to face before we meet again.
But I'm not worried. The foundations have been laid. Unless The Lord builds the house, the workers labour in vain. We feel right, you feel right, and I know God is in our relationship. Our Saviour and Maker is the reason why this feels right and as we honour Him still, and love Him ever more, He will take care of the details. That's the key. God.
It's always God.
Dearest God and Dad, You take charge of this. You lead us, guide us, mould us, teach us to love You and love each other the way Love and a relationship are meant to be lived. We refuse to do this any other way. We want You to be the Head of us.
The foundations - seek Him first, love Him most, wanting the best for each other, wanting us to glorify Jesus always - are laid even as we are learning over this distance, over time to be better for each other.
I will hold on, other guys don't matter. The tears you have shed for me makes me even more sure of you, and more thankful for you even as I am amazed by you.
I will hold on and learn to be even more a woman of God.
'cause you deserve the best.
Yes, just like I deserve the best. I love seeing how God is further bringing you to new heights and places.
And R a y m o n d Chuah?
I love you.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Monday, June 06, 2005
19:31, Sg, office.
Flight details are settled.
June 7, 2030, Sg to Syd.
June 10, 1815, Syd to Melb.
June 19, 1010, Melb to Sg.
Now, it's just making sure every loose end is tied. Work is accounted for and am loading up on the research. I know my Marvel, I don't know my 20th century Fox... yet.
Been in the office since 830. Am needing sleep. Filed two stories today. Would be filing two stories on Fantastic Four in Sydney, and hopefully one story on The Tears (phoner on Thurs) if I can get the phoner to be a call-in instead of a call-out.
Wanted to grab mocha from the cafeteria just now but decided to abstain. I would be getting good mocha in just a while, no? :)
Ran errands in Orchard during my lunch break and found the MRT station adorned with floor to ceiling, left to right all across type posters promoting Melbourne as the 2006 Commonwealth games, as part of the Visit Australia tourism campaign.
If I saw this last Thursday, I would had went "argh" (a small one) inside or even verbally but just now, I could smile. I snapped a pic of it with my phone and went on my way.
Can't wait.
Do pray :)
That work would be completely great, and that the trip to Melb would be great too.
Come on, God.
I LOVEE You!
Flight details are settled.
June 7, 2030, Sg to Syd.
June 10, 1815, Syd to Melb.
June 19, 1010, Melb to Sg.
Now, it's just making sure every loose end is tied. Work is accounted for and am loading up on the research. I know my Marvel, I don't know my 20th century Fox... yet.
Been in the office since 830. Am needing sleep. Filed two stories today. Would be filing two stories on Fantastic Four in Sydney, and hopefully one story on The Tears (phoner on Thurs) if I can get the phoner to be a call-in instead of a call-out.
Wanted to grab mocha from the cafeteria just now but decided to abstain. I would be getting good mocha in just a while, no? :)
Ran errands in Orchard during my lunch break and found the MRT station adorned with floor to ceiling, left to right all across type posters promoting Melbourne as the 2006 Commonwealth games, as part of the Visit Australia tourism campaign.
If I saw this last Thursday, I would had went "argh" (a small one) inside or even verbally but just now, I could smile. I snapped a pic of it with my phone and went on my way.
Can't wait.
Do pray :)
That work would be completely great, and that the trip to Melb would be great too.
Come on, God.
I LOVEE You!
Saturday, June 04, 2005
18:58.
It has been a long time since I can click on weather.com with the knowledge that the info I seek would be applicable on an actual, practical level.
It is 120 today.
120 days since I left Melb.
And I'm going back next week. :)
Can I tell you how mind baffling good God is?
Just on Wednesday, I was telling Ray about how a correspondent was going around the office asking some folks what they know about Fantastic Four. Me, since I came back, have buried my nose into X-Men, Amazing Spiderman and Fantastic Four. Hey, I even just finished reading a collection on Tuesday night. I told the correspondent I read FF and in fact, can tell him their history, love lives and all that but one rule in the newsroom is that temps don't go on junketts.
He basically told me, sorry dear. But I msged my supe and just said the same things I told him, adding that I do understand if I don't get it but yeah, I know my stuff for sure.
And on Friday 12-ish, she called me and told me the executive editor approved it.
I got the junkett.
A trip to Sydney for the Fantastic Four premiere this side of the world.
Despite being still on contract. Despite having only been back in the newsroom for about 2 and a half months.
The exact details are being ironed out but I should be flying out on Tues night, reaching Sydney on Wed morn, and by Fri, the FF work should be wrapped up. I'd wander around Sydney for a while, buy krispy kremes, and then catch my one-hour flight to Melbourne.
:)
And there I would stay until the 18th or 19th.
I am still in shock, awe, bafflement, amazement.
I never expected to be able to go back so soon. Sept was the set date for my hol back, a far-off month that I steadily plod towards on a course I try to keep straight.
And now....
God is using 20th Century Fox to bring about his will.
I reckon that's darn cool.
My mind hasn't totally understood this. How He just flinged wide the doors and exceeded my expectations.
I'm going back to Aust, and the company is paying my trip to and fro.
And on the work front, I am feeling adult and all journo at this first proper overseas assignment.
This time next week and this time next fortnight, I would be in Melb.
Those people I have missed will be on hand to hug and observe, not a name on Msn, or a voice on the phone or photos or memories.
The streets I have longed to walk down again, I would be able to.
The places to have coffee and dine at, I can frequent again.
The air, wintry now.
The window seat, I hope it's still there.
The drumset.
The wide(r) open spaces.
Vic Mkt.
Safeway.
RMIT.
CCBC.
JB Hifi.
Trams and Flinders St. State library and Melb Central.
Horses and carriages.
Good mocha. Vienna coffee. brekkie.
Church!
I tried to tell God today everything on my mind and I couldn't. I sat in some awe and much thankfulness and I sung along to worship songs playing from my lappie and just felt overwhelmed.
I tried to write down how I feel and again I couldn't. I keep looking up at nothing in particular and have random thoughts run through my mind.
What would it be like?
How would I feel?
How would it be like?
What changes would there be?
How would I react?
What would I do?
Would I be too cold? (hah)
How would it be like.
How would it be like.
YOU have taken us this far Lord. YOU have taken me this far. Thank You for trusting me, for loving me, for giving me exceedingly, abundantly above what I could imagine. Thank You for blowing my mind. I want to love You so much more. Even as I want to see Your work in my life.
More. Evermore.
And it's just six days more.
It has been a long time since I can click on weather.com with the knowledge that the info I seek would be applicable on an actual, practical level.
It is 120 today.
120 days since I left Melb.
And I'm going back next week. :)
Can I tell you how mind baffling good God is?
Just on Wednesday, I was telling Ray about how a correspondent was going around the office asking some folks what they know about Fantastic Four. Me, since I came back, have buried my nose into X-Men, Amazing Spiderman and Fantastic Four. Hey, I even just finished reading a collection on Tuesday night. I told the correspondent I read FF and in fact, can tell him their history, love lives and all that but one rule in the newsroom is that temps don't go on junketts.
He basically told me, sorry dear. But I msged my supe and just said the same things I told him, adding that I do understand if I don't get it but yeah, I know my stuff for sure.
And on Friday 12-ish, she called me and told me the executive editor approved it.
I got the junkett.
A trip to Sydney for the Fantastic Four premiere this side of the world.
Despite being still on contract. Despite having only been back in the newsroom for about 2 and a half months.
The exact details are being ironed out but I should be flying out on Tues night, reaching Sydney on Wed morn, and by Fri, the FF work should be wrapped up. I'd wander around Sydney for a while, buy krispy kremes, and then catch my one-hour flight to Melbourne.
:)
And there I would stay until the 18th or 19th.
I am still in shock, awe, bafflement, amazement.
I never expected to be able to go back so soon. Sept was the set date for my hol back, a far-off month that I steadily plod towards on a course I try to keep straight.
And now....
God is using 20th Century Fox to bring about his will.
I reckon that's darn cool.
My mind hasn't totally understood this. How He just flinged wide the doors and exceeded my expectations.
I'm going back to Aust, and the company is paying my trip to and fro.
And on the work front, I am feeling adult and all journo at this first proper overseas assignment.
This time next week and this time next fortnight, I would be in Melb.
Those people I have missed will be on hand to hug and observe, not a name on Msn, or a voice on the phone or photos or memories.
The streets I have longed to walk down again, I would be able to.
The places to have coffee and dine at, I can frequent again.
The air, wintry now.
The window seat, I hope it's still there.
The drumset.
The wide(r) open spaces.
Vic Mkt.
Safeway.
RMIT.
CCBC.
JB Hifi.
Trams and Flinders St. State library and Melb Central.
Horses and carriages.
Good mocha. Vienna coffee. brekkie.
Church!
I tried to tell God today everything on my mind and I couldn't. I sat in some awe and much thankfulness and I sung along to worship songs playing from my lappie and just felt overwhelmed.
I tried to write down how I feel and again I couldn't. I keep looking up at nothing in particular and have random thoughts run through my mind.
What would it be like?
How would I feel?
How would it be like?
What changes would there be?
How would I react?
What would I do?
Would I be too cold? (hah)
How would it be like.
How would it be like.
YOU have taken us this far Lord. YOU have taken me this far. Thank You for trusting me, for loving me, for giving me exceedingly, abundantly above what I could imagine. Thank You for blowing my mind. I want to love You so much more. Even as I want to see Your work in my life.
More. Evermore.
And it's just six days more.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
11:49.
I read through one whole issue of Spider Man Blue last night, and for some reason, the comic's tragedy stays in my head. I couldn't remember so I went to ask my brother how Gwen Stacy died. And I remembered the set up. Was she dead before she fell or did she die because he couldn't catch her? How painful a premise. How evermore haunted a superhero is our Spidey because of this. How sad, but better that there's a tale to write a story than for there to never had been any thing. But yes, it's so... blue.
I read through one whole issue of Spider Man Blue last night, and for some reason, the comic's tragedy stays in my head. I couldn't remember so I went to ask my brother how Gwen Stacy died. And I remembered the set up. Was she dead before she fell or did she die because he couldn't catch her? How painful a premise. How evermore haunted a superhero is our Spidey because of this. How sad, but better that there's a tale to write a story than for there to never had been any thing. But yes, it's so... blue.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
21:31.
I want to worship with my drumming.
It just struck me in service this morning... most drummers I have seen don't sing when they drum. The first two times I drummed in OCF, I didn't either. There were moments when I closed my eyes and just felt God's presence but I wasn't at a place where sufficient technical aptitude was in place for me not to have to - or feel like I absolutely have to - throw all of me into the technical aspects.
I sing when I drum. More than that, I love worshipping He who holds my heart when I am behind the drum kit.
With every crash, with every fill, every time the stick makes contact with the snare, it's as if splashes of my heart's desire to worship You evermore splashes over.
I want to be a better drummer. A better keyboardist. A better guitarist.
I want to worship Him with all that He has given to me.
I will play my drums for You, Dad.
I love You most.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I will sing for You.
I will write for You.
I will live for You.
All of my days.
We have a deal, Dad.
Dear Jesus, I will fly with You. I remember our date.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I scared my guitarist yesterday.
We were having some problems with one of the faster songs or rather, I thought it was okay but the rest felt I should play a different way, more akin to the way another drummer does it, but they couldn't describe what they want so I got befuddled.
So, when I get confused, I can't "flow" and I stopped mid-song and went "arghhhhhhh!" at myself. The quiet guitarist who looks ever calm and almost bored looked up with shock and went "what's the matter?!".
I explained it was my reaction at myself, that was all.
Oops.
I want to worship with my drumming.
It just struck me in service this morning... most drummers I have seen don't sing when they drum. The first two times I drummed in OCF, I didn't either. There were moments when I closed my eyes and just felt God's presence but I wasn't at a place where sufficient technical aptitude was in place for me not to have to - or feel like I absolutely have to - throw all of me into the technical aspects.
I sing when I drum. More than that, I love worshipping He who holds my heart when I am behind the drum kit.
With every crash, with every fill, every time the stick makes contact with the snare, it's as if splashes of my heart's desire to worship You evermore splashes over.
I want to be a better drummer. A better keyboardist. A better guitarist.
I want to worship Him with all that He has given to me.
I will play my drums for You, Dad.
I love You most.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I will sing for You.
I will write for You.
I will live for You.
All of my days.
We have a deal, Dad.
Dear Jesus, I will fly with You. I remember our date.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I scared my guitarist yesterday.
We were having some problems with one of the faster songs or rather, I thought it was okay but the rest felt I should play a different way, more akin to the way another drummer does it, but they couldn't describe what they want so I got befuddled.
So, when I get confused, I can't "flow" and I stopped mid-song and went "arghhhhhhh!" at myself. The quiet guitarist who looks ever calm and almost bored looked up with shock and went "what's the matter?!".
I explained it was my reaction at myself, that was all.
Oops.
Friday, May 27, 2005
19:14.
It's 7:14pm on a Friday night.
I'm in the office, waiting for a call from a local celebrity. He's 44 minutes late already.
The office is cold. I wear my pinstriped Topshop blazer, Levis 593s, and Mango white Racer Back. Oooh, I just realised my entire outfit today are stuff I bought after I came back, plus the white Charles & Keith sandals too. The only things from Melb are my Just Jeans belt and my Levis bag. Oh, and since we are down at accessories, my sliver hoop earrings are frm Melb too, fruits of a shopping trip to Highpoint with Germie.
It is Friday. But Sunday's coming. Tomorrow's Saturday but Sunday's coming. Sunday.
For some reason, that popped into my head.
The office is fairly quiet by now. There are still people around, of course. I hear three of the editors talking, their voices carrying over the relative still-ness; Friday nights always see more eds staying back late.
Was going through the hotmail account where ocf yahoo group mail gets sent to. At one point, for some reason, I almost felt tears well up. I stared at one of the names, the sender. And remembered what I told her before I left.
I remember the conviction I had and have about the greatness of these folks.
Again, I feel like I could tear.
Such amazing people. And now, in the group emails I still get (I requested for my name not to be taken off the list yet), I smile at how "the young ones" are indeed rising up. How they are doing so much more.
I clicked through a link in one the mails.
It led to this year's July Camp website.
I was wowed, and nostagic, amazed and glad all at once.
I may not be there but God so is. And that makes me wowed and glad and almost teary all over again.
I clicked through every profile of the committee members, marvelled at stuff. Then, I clicked through the link that led to photos from last year's July Camp.
They are familiar photos. My lappie back home contains all of them, gleaned from various photographers. I saw my face, other familiar faces, smiles that still make me smile.
And I did. Even now. A small smile, remembering every precious person and memory.
The time is 7:44, I'm S k y e T a n.
And I remain:
thankful.
"For all that You've done, I will thank You
For all that You're going to do
For all that You promised
and all that You Are
is all that will carry me through
Jesus, I thank You."
- Thank You, Dennis Jernigan
It's 7:14pm on a Friday night.
I'm in the office, waiting for a call from a local celebrity. He's 44 minutes late already.
The office is cold. I wear my pinstriped Topshop blazer, Levis 593s, and Mango white Racer Back. Oooh, I just realised my entire outfit today are stuff I bought after I came back, plus the white Charles & Keith sandals too. The only things from Melb are my Just Jeans belt and my Levis bag. Oh, and since we are down at accessories, my sliver hoop earrings are frm Melb too, fruits of a shopping trip to Highpoint with Germie.
It is Friday. But Sunday's coming. Tomorrow's Saturday but Sunday's coming. Sunday.
For some reason, that popped into my head.
The office is fairly quiet by now. There are still people around, of course. I hear three of the editors talking, their voices carrying over the relative still-ness; Friday nights always see more eds staying back late.
Was going through the hotmail account where ocf yahoo group mail gets sent to. At one point, for some reason, I almost felt tears well up. I stared at one of the names, the sender. And remembered what I told her before I left.
I remember the conviction I had and have about the greatness of these folks.
Again, I feel like I could tear.
Such amazing people. And now, in the group emails I still get (I requested for my name not to be taken off the list yet), I smile at how "the young ones" are indeed rising up. How they are doing so much more.
I clicked through a link in one the mails.
It led to this year's July Camp website.
I was wowed, and nostagic, amazed and glad all at once.
I may not be there but God so is. And that makes me wowed and glad and almost teary all over again.
I clicked through every profile of the committee members, marvelled at stuff. Then, I clicked through the link that led to photos from last year's July Camp.
They are familiar photos. My lappie back home contains all of them, gleaned from various photographers. I saw my face, other familiar faces, smiles that still make me smile.
And I did. Even now. A small smile, remembering every precious person and memory.
The time is 7:44, I'm S k y e T a n.
And I remain:
thankful.
"For all that You've done, I will thank You
For all that You're going to do
For all that You promised
and all that You Are
is all that will carry me through
Jesus, I thank You."
- Thank You, Dennis Jernigan
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
12:22.
I want to go home.
Why does this thought still pop up in my head, even come out of my mouth so often?
At times, it's a mute whisper. Others, a sigh to God. It's like one of those scroll by tags on sites that move from left to right saying something like "buy me now", moving seemingly in and out of the screen but always there.
For some reason, I found it hard to get to sleep last night.
It felt like something was wrong somewhere and I couldn't be sure what. I tossed, I turned, I heard my Mom had a minor nightmare and make a small scream. I prayed, I spoke in tongues, I tossed, I turned.
Maybe it was and is the warmth. Maybe, but I fell asleep with a headache and woke up with a headache.
I miss home.
I'm unreasonable, not always sane, sometimes really happy, other times not as. I know, I know.
Dad, I need to feel that undeniable purpose for living. Besides knowing, I need to feel it too.
There must be more than this.
Otherwise, somebody kill me please.
I want to go home.
Why does this thought still pop up in my head, even come out of my mouth so often?
At times, it's a mute whisper. Others, a sigh to God. It's like one of those scroll by tags on sites that move from left to right saying something like "buy me now", moving seemingly in and out of the screen but always there.
For some reason, I found it hard to get to sleep last night.
It felt like something was wrong somewhere and I couldn't be sure what. I tossed, I turned, I heard my Mom had a minor nightmare and make a small scream. I prayed, I spoke in tongues, I tossed, I turned.
Maybe it was and is the warmth. Maybe, but I fell asleep with a headache and woke up with a headache.
I miss home.
I'm unreasonable, not always sane, sometimes really happy, other times not as. I know, I know.
Dad, I need to feel that undeniable purpose for living. Besides knowing, I need to feel it too.
There must be more than this.
Otherwise, somebody kill me please.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
11:47.
Got tagged by hypodermically
And for the record, this is the first time I am consciously aware this tag thing exists o_O but here I am, in the media conglomerate of Singapore, reading blogs (and ljs) to start my day off so why not? :)
1. Total number of films I own on DVD/video:
I assume VCDs count too... um, letmesee.... maybe 20? If we count music concerts, then I'll prob hit about 27.
2. The last film I bought:
Does U2's Rattle And Hum count? It's a concert/ documentary. Otherwise, I really can't remember, I think it's either a VCD of Reality Bites or Crybaby.
3. Last film I watched:
Ray. heh. You know, Ray Charles.
4. Five films that mean a lot to me:
- Reality Bites.
That's my No 1 of all times. It captures my generation for me... angst, idealism, confusion, stupid TV, how modern life is surreal, relationships dynamics... every thing about being 23 and wanting to change the world all your life then suddenly finding that you no longer know what you want.
- The Matrix
It will always be linked to those intellectual expansion and turmoil of the heart and mind that whew, I'm gg to say it, WritCom brought in year 1 of poly. And as I get older, read more and explore more ideas, I am still ever amazed at the metaphors and ideas the whole trilogy presented and packaged. And yes, I admit it, I want to wear leather suits and cool shades, travel dimensions and fight bad guys :D
- Before Sunset
I am a die hard romantic but yet cynical. Before Sunrise and Before Sunset was also both, and brought out both sides of me. There were stuff I didn't like about both flicks but see, I can relate to the characters on the overall. And the dialogue seemed to be straight from my head at times. Why Before Sunset instead of Before Sunrise? Maybe because Sunset is more gritty and real, and I liked how I could see the characters arch develop from the first flick.
- Lord Of The Rings
I can't choose a favourite out of the three but I'm going to argue that the trilogy counts as one film to me because I read the whole whopping book first before developing interest in the movies. When the book hooked me, it was already post Two Towers, pre ROTR on the big screen. LOTR means a lot to me for the same reasons as The Matrix. It articulates ideas important to me and encourages me somehow.
- Edward Scissorshand
Much tears were shed over this Tim Burton directed Johnny Depp/ Winona Ryder strange movie. Since I pretty much grew up feeling like an outsider somehow, I could relate to Edward. Sniff. Such a tragic movie. Sniff. Sniff. Sniff. But so beautiful. So strangely beautiful.
5. Tag five people and have them put this in their journal:
Er, don't need lah. I am an online hermit.
Got tagged by hypodermically
And for the record, this is the first time I am consciously aware this tag thing exists o_O but here I am, in the media conglomerate of Singapore, reading blogs (and ljs) to start my day off so why not? :)
1. Total number of films I own on DVD/video:
I assume VCDs count too... um, letmesee.... maybe 20? If we count music concerts, then I'll prob hit about 27.
2. The last film I bought:
Does U2's Rattle And Hum count? It's a concert/ documentary. Otherwise, I really can't remember, I think it's either a VCD of Reality Bites or Crybaby.
3. Last film I watched:
Ray. heh. You know, Ray Charles.
4. Five films that mean a lot to me:
- Reality Bites.
That's my No 1 of all times. It captures my generation for me... angst, idealism, confusion, stupid TV, how modern life is surreal, relationships dynamics... every thing about being 23 and wanting to change the world all your life then suddenly finding that you no longer know what you want.
- The Matrix
It will always be linked to those intellectual expansion and turmoil of the heart and mind that whew, I'm gg to say it, WritCom brought in year 1 of poly. And as I get older, read more and explore more ideas, I am still ever amazed at the metaphors and ideas the whole trilogy presented and packaged. And yes, I admit it, I want to wear leather suits and cool shades, travel dimensions and fight bad guys :D
- Before Sunset
I am a die hard romantic but yet cynical. Before Sunrise and Before Sunset was also both, and brought out both sides of me. There were stuff I didn't like about both flicks but see, I can relate to the characters on the overall. And the dialogue seemed to be straight from my head at times. Why Before Sunset instead of Before Sunrise? Maybe because Sunset is more gritty and real, and I liked how I could see the characters arch develop from the first flick.
- Lord Of The Rings
I can't choose a favourite out of the three but I'm going to argue that the trilogy counts as one film to me because I read the whole whopping book first before developing interest in the movies. When the book hooked me, it was already post Two Towers, pre ROTR on the big screen. LOTR means a lot to me for the same reasons as The Matrix. It articulates ideas important to me and encourages me somehow.
- Edward Scissorshand
Much tears were shed over this Tim Burton directed Johnny Depp/ Winona Ryder strange movie. Since I pretty much grew up feeling like an outsider somehow, I could relate to Edward. Sniff. Such a tragic movie. Sniff. Sniff. Sniff. But so beautiful. So strangely beautiful.
5. Tag five people and have them put this in their journal:
Er, don't need lah. I am an online hermit.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Monday, May 16, 2005
21:03.
There's beauty in a pheasant's wings
And for that I thank God.
For there's beauty every where.
Despite everything.
Walking out of the company is especially delightful when there's some sun left in the sky. When there is, on my way out, I would turn and look over the giant canal in front of the company at the patch of sunset still left. Sometimes, some bit of the sun still peeks at me despite the concrete jungle, and its orange glow always cast a beauty sheen over the water in the huge canal. [Note: It ain't a longkang, but a clean huge canal. Heh.]
There are certain routes that I always love walking on.
Back before I was 17, it was that walk home from Hong Dao Primary. The straight pathway right next to the fences of Yio Chu Kang Secondary, then a small road, then a HDB block, then a little zebra crossing before I walked under another HDB block before I can see mine.
I walked pass those fences with my head sideways too. Seldom with my head ahead at the road ahead of me, but on the grass patches besides me because you never know what you could find. Or so I used to think. I once thought a old strip of broken rubber tyre was a dead snake and told every friend walking home with me that it was a snake. And they believed me. Then one day, I realised I was wrong.
I loved too the walk home from the library that laid beyond the primary school. I used to talk to myself as I walk that path home, lugging books. Over the years, I dragged Melody Maker, pop culture books, Faust, comics, various vampire fiction, cheem stuff I couldn't yet understand like Mere Christianity... home. And as I carried the books and walked, I would talk to myself when I was sure no one was around. Dreams, fantasties, questions were hatched, voiced and given much thought on those journeys.
Now, my two favourite walks are the one leading out of the office and the one leading home. And when the weather's cool, and I'm in sensible shoes, the walks home from the MRT, me always raising my head up to stare at stars, those walks, they still my soul too.
Someone asked me the other day if working life has torn the stars from my eyes like it did for her. I said no. Maybe if that question was asked of me in late 2002, or early 2003, there was a point when I could have said yes. But no.
And the other night, I looked up again and tried to find Orion. Felt a bit sad when I couldn't. There was a sliver of a moon out, a pale crescent. I remembered staring out at the night time sky on another continent.
There is beauty in the pheasant's wings.
The world shouts a Hallelujah to our God.
I pause, close my eyes for a moment and felt tears spring out. I feel crippled almost with thanksgiving and awe.
He is so beautiful.
There's beauty in a pheasant's wings
And for that I thank God.
For there's beauty every where.
Despite everything.
Walking out of the company is especially delightful when there's some sun left in the sky. When there is, on my way out, I would turn and look over the giant canal in front of the company at the patch of sunset still left. Sometimes, some bit of the sun still peeks at me despite the concrete jungle, and its orange glow always cast a beauty sheen over the water in the huge canal. [Note: It ain't a longkang, but a clean huge canal. Heh.]
There are certain routes that I always love walking on.
Back before I was 17, it was that walk home from Hong Dao Primary. The straight pathway right next to the fences of Yio Chu Kang Secondary, then a small road, then a HDB block, then a little zebra crossing before I walked under another HDB block before I can see mine.
I walked pass those fences with my head sideways too. Seldom with my head ahead at the road ahead of me, but on the grass patches besides me because you never know what you could find. Or so I used to think. I once thought a old strip of broken rubber tyre was a dead snake and told every friend walking home with me that it was a snake. And they believed me. Then one day, I realised I was wrong.
I loved too the walk home from the library that laid beyond the primary school. I used to talk to myself as I walk that path home, lugging books. Over the years, I dragged Melody Maker, pop culture books, Faust, comics, various vampire fiction, cheem stuff I couldn't yet understand like Mere Christianity... home. And as I carried the books and walked, I would talk to myself when I was sure no one was around. Dreams, fantasties, questions were hatched, voiced and given much thought on those journeys.
Now, my two favourite walks are the one leading out of the office and the one leading home. And when the weather's cool, and I'm in sensible shoes, the walks home from the MRT, me always raising my head up to stare at stars, those walks, they still my soul too.
Someone asked me the other day if working life has torn the stars from my eyes like it did for her. I said no. Maybe if that question was asked of me in late 2002, or early 2003, there was a point when I could have said yes. But no.
And the other night, I looked up again and tried to find Orion. Felt a bit sad when I couldn't. There was a sliver of a moon out, a pale crescent. I remembered staring out at the night time sky on another continent.
There is beauty in the pheasant's wings.
The world shouts a Hallelujah to our God.
I pause, close my eyes for a moment and felt tears spring out. I feel crippled almost with thanksgiving and awe.
He is so beautiful.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
16:15.
Evermore, Hillsongs
Lost for words with all to say
Lord you take my breath away
Still my soul, my soul cries out
You are holy
And as I look upon Your name
Circumstances fade away
Now Your Glory steals my heart
You are holy
You are holy
You are holy Lord
Evermore my heart, my heart will say
Above all, I live for Your Glory
Even if my world falls I will say
Above all, I live for Your Glory
With all my heart I'll say
I'm living for Your name
With all to give You praise
We're living for Your Glory Lord
Evermore my heart, my heart will say
Above all, I live for Your Glory
Even if my world falls I will say
Above all, I live for Your Glory
Evermore, Hillsongs
Lost for words with all to say
Lord you take my breath away
Still my soul, my soul cries out
You are holy
And as I look upon Your name
Circumstances fade away
Now Your Glory steals my heart
You are holy
You are holy
You are holy Lord
Evermore my heart, my heart will say
Above all, I live for Your Glory
Even if my world falls I will say
Above all, I live for Your Glory
With all my heart I'll say
I'm living for Your name
With all to give You praise
We're living for Your Glory Lord
Evermore my heart, my heart will say
Above all, I live for Your Glory
Even if my world falls I will say
Above all, I live for Your Glory
Monday, May 09, 2005
17:55.
Five minutes ago, I ate an Oreo.
It's one of those half peanut butter, half choc cream ones.
The first time I ate one of those - always with the peanut butter side first - I was in Bouverie Close, nicking one off Vonnie's pack. With permission, of course.
Two hours ago, I was looking through Hannah's online photo album of her 23rd birthday (bwahaha, same age! Oops.)
It looks like fun, and like I told her and Germie before, I wished I am there. Smiley faces, happy faces, familiar background - that grey couch, those white kitchen cabinets, the walls that look beige under florescent lights, it's always very cool when people are happy.
I browsed through the rest of the albums. Saw my face in some of them. From Hannah's birthday celebration last year, from Easter camp last year.
Last year.
Last year, I was there.
Last year, I shared that same space, had some of the same friends, felt the same simple happiness I saw reflected in pictured faces.
I sat on that couch, I sat at that Ikea dining table, and just out of sight of that photo I stared at, was a wooden stool I parked myself at probably every single day before.
With dear friends and people, I created memories in that house.
And that red drumset? Something was strengthened in me when I took on the challenge of drumming for Parkville. Something forgotten was revived in the this-is-so-scary-i'm-so-stressed-about-drumming-these-songs walk-on type journeys.
How fast a year bring us.
Last year in this month, I first drummed for Ray at Parkville. Cringeworthy performance from yours truly. Song set at repeated mode for dozens of times in prep. Only time I burst into tears over the phone with Mom, I was that disturbed.
About five-and-a-half hours ago, I bought Bright Eyes' latest album. I first heard about the group from a cg mate, and first downloaded their songs with trusty lappie through Ares while sat at that dining table.
Oh the memories.
94 days and counting since I left Melbourne.
No, really, I am not obsessively keeping count of the days. Maybe one day I can tell you why I have my finger on the number but be assured I am not psychotically consulting a calendar every day.
We are hitting three-digit soon.
I've been having dreams of people. Just groups of people who were once physically in my life. My wireless connection at home has not been working for close to two weeks now so I am only online at work now.
A friend who returned in Dec has filed her offshore PR application. At her urging, I have called three migration agents, checked out all possible ways to get back, and mobilised my parents to double check whether we have relatives in Aust.
That last turned out empty since those we do know are not blood related.
The options I have left to exercise require me to pray lots and know exactly what I want and what I am willing to pay for it.
At the end of the day, I'm living in a living lesson. I think it's some epic... but I'm rambling.
I understand a very small measure of Paul's words.
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." - 2 Corinthians 4: 8- 9
A lot of things are being stripped bare. And the process grates against my heart and mind.
The fruits of the lesson are many and great. I can glimpse their glory and potential but for now, I am in the waiting.
And I want to worship Him.
Five minutes ago, I ate an Oreo.
It's one of those half peanut butter, half choc cream ones.
The first time I ate one of those - always with the peanut butter side first - I was in Bouverie Close, nicking one off Vonnie's pack. With permission, of course.
Two hours ago, I was looking through Hannah's online photo album of her 23rd birthday (bwahaha, same age! Oops.)
It looks like fun, and like I told her and Germie before, I wished I am there. Smiley faces, happy faces, familiar background - that grey couch, those white kitchen cabinets, the walls that look beige under florescent lights, it's always very cool when people are happy.
I browsed through the rest of the albums. Saw my face in some of them. From Hannah's birthday celebration last year, from Easter camp last year.
Last year.
Last year, I was there.
Last year, I shared that same space, had some of the same friends, felt the same simple happiness I saw reflected in pictured faces.
I sat on that couch, I sat at that Ikea dining table, and just out of sight of that photo I stared at, was a wooden stool I parked myself at probably every single day before.
With dear friends and people, I created memories in that house.
And that red drumset? Something was strengthened in me when I took on the challenge of drumming for Parkville. Something forgotten was revived in the this-is-so-scary-i'm-so-stressed-about-drumming-these-songs walk-on type journeys.
How fast a year bring us.
Last year in this month, I first drummed for Ray at Parkville. Cringeworthy performance from yours truly. Song set at repeated mode for dozens of times in prep. Only time I burst into tears over the phone with Mom, I was that disturbed.
About five-and-a-half hours ago, I bought Bright Eyes' latest album. I first heard about the group from a cg mate, and first downloaded their songs with trusty lappie through Ares while sat at that dining table.
Oh the memories.
94 days and counting since I left Melbourne.
No, really, I am not obsessively keeping count of the days. Maybe one day I can tell you why I have my finger on the number but be assured I am not psychotically consulting a calendar every day.
We are hitting three-digit soon.
I've been having dreams of people. Just groups of people who were once physically in my life. My wireless connection at home has not been working for close to two weeks now so I am only online at work now.
A friend who returned in Dec has filed her offshore PR application. At her urging, I have called three migration agents, checked out all possible ways to get back, and mobilised my parents to double check whether we have relatives in Aust.
That last turned out empty since those we do know are not blood related.
The options I have left to exercise require me to pray lots and know exactly what I want and what I am willing to pay for it.
At the end of the day, I'm living in a living lesson. I think it's some epic... but I'm rambling.
I understand a very small measure of Paul's words.
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." - 2 Corinthians 4: 8- 9
A lot of things are being stripped bare. And the process grates against my heart and mind.
The fruits of the lesson are many and great. I can glimpse their glory and potential but for now, I am in the waiting.
And I want to worship Him.
Friday, May 06, 2005
Thursday, April 28, 2005
18:15.
Some people seem to have it all together.
They understand why they are where they are, they can tell you about the meaning they have in their work and their life, they are set. Steadfast. Able to explain why they are cool with whatever happens.
Some people think I am one of those persons.
I am not.
For the life of me, though I do know with my entire being that all things work together for the good of those who love God and that things will always work out in His time, yes, I really wonder.
Wonder at why I am here.
In this country. In this company. In this church. Even in this family.
I'm nobody's saviour.
I'm thankful for what I have but I don't see my purpose for being here. I love my country, work, church and family but I don't see how I can plug the holes they have.
And I am a zillion percent aware that though I can be used as an instrument of God, I am not the answer.
Could I be the catalyst for bigger things? That history maker we sing about?
Yes.
But help me.
I have gone to bed with questions in my head, questions like those I have listed. And sometimes during these moments, when I got into my bed, I would be eager to close my eyes and let sleep overtake. So that I do not need to think.
Life is too long to live without purpose.
Life is not worth living without God.
I have God. And because I do believe in Him and all He promised, because I have touched the Divine and lived, because again and again, I have seen my God pull me through every closed wall and impossible situations, I can live.
Because of You. Because of the Love You have shown me and given to me through You and the people You have blessed me with.
But so help me, God.
I'm not that strong. And I need answers.
My Lord and God, make me steadfast. I hate it when I am double minded. I detest it when I am unsure about what I want. It's not about being weak. I know I am weak and I have acknowledged it but Lord, even in weakness, may I have conviction. May I have passion. May I not be average or mediocre or bend to other people's or society's will.
Dad....
I'm standing on Your Word.
Not my will but Yours be done, but my God, can I not be in the waiting for much longer?
Help.
Some people seem to have it all together.
They understand why they are where they are, they can tell you about the meaning they have in their work and their life, they are set. Steadfast. Able to explain why they are cool with whatever happens.
Some people think I am one of those persons.
I am not.
For the life of me, though I do know with my entire being that all things work together for the good of those who love God and that things will always work out in His time, yes, I really wonder.
Wonder at why I am here.
In this country. In this company. In this church. Even in this family.
I'm nobody's saviour.
I'm thankful for what I have but I don't see my purpose for being here. I love my country, work, church and family but I don't see how I can plug the holes they have.
And I am a zillion percent aware that though I can be used as an instrument of God, I am not the answer.
Could I be the catalyst for bigger things? That history maker we sing about?
Yes.
But help me.
I have gone to bed with questions in my head, questions like those I have listed. And sometimes during these moments, when I got into my bed, I would be eager to close my eyes and let sleep overtake. So that I do not need to think.
Life is too long to live without purpose.
Life is not worth living without God.
I have God. And because I do believe in Him and all He promised, because I have touched the Divine and lived, because again and again, I have seen my God pull me through every closed wall and impossible situations, I can live.
Because of You. Because of the Love You have shown me and given to me through You and the people You have blessed me with.
But so help me, God.
I'm not that strong. And I need answers.
My Lord and God, make me steadfast. I hate it when I am double minded. I detest it when I am unsure about what I want. It's not about being weak. I know I am weak and I have acknowledged it but Lord, even in weakness, may I have conviction. May I have passion. May I not be average or mediocre or bend to other people's or society's will.
Dad....
I'm standing on Your Word.
Not my will but Yours be done, but my God, can I not be in the waiting for much longer?
Help.
