00:38.

As I laugh louder and live harder and ride the emotional rollercoaster, it seems as if I am running to stand still. There are few things, or nothing in life which you can really count on. And as for people, the count only increases slightly.

Most of us walk through life lonely. Some of us find paper clutches to combat this. Others dare not reach out. And still more, there are some who are careful about reaching out in case love and friendship are really only just lonely people desperate for companionship wanting to get some.

If I could be categorised, I would be in that last category, concerned about motives and drive, both an observer of society as well as observer of myself and convicted that being alone does not at all mean being lonely.

Last year, God started to teach me more about loving. This year, the lesson continues - as it will throughout my life - and I have learnt and am learning to give and... to love.

The truth is this. In the last seven or so years I started attending church, I have never had as much spiritual support as I have right now here in Melb. And despite there being few options for a kaki if I spontaneously wanted to go grab a coffee, I feel connected to people in a way I don't reckon I have had for a long time.

The truth is this. I have fallen in love with all these people in OCF and church and when I board that Qantas/ British Airways plane on Dec 21, my heart would probably break into further pieces.

I find myself not really wanting to think a lot about the stuff on its way. And I wonder if my laugh has some hint of desperation. Some kind of desperation to just get all I can now, while I can.

In a paradox, I find too myself wanting to give. Give as much of myself away as I can. Give as much of whatever good I could possibly give away. Just give. The strangest thing might be that I honestly don't think it's about me. It's not about leaving the best image I can of S k y e T. It's not about desperately trying to ensure that I am remembered (not that being remembered is a nasty thought....). It's just not about this finite creature who lives by grace and day by day, is only becoming more aware of how much of a jar of clay she is, and an extremely broken, small and not user-friendly one too at that.

There are many things I want to write about. To God, who knows all things; to me, who knows nothing; and to you, readers who I have given access into my head. But for now, I am going to hit the sack. Am not sleepy but gastric pains are coming on and I don't want to stick around to have them come full-on.

Walking on the Melbourne streets at night is one of the most peaceful things in life. And before I leave, I hope I have another chance to encounter a flock of seagulls on the ground at night so I can run right into their midst and go "boo!".