02:03.

December is fast disappearing.

Today is the 12th. Very early tomorrow morning - at 0525, to be precise - my parents and an aunt would arrive here in Melbourne. Two days after, I graduate at Telstra Dome.

Supposedly, six days after that, I would be en route home to Singapore on a Qantas/ BA flight at 1720.

Well, things don't always go as we suppose they will.

Yesterday - or really, the day before - as rain drizzled and then poured on the Melbourne streets, I was making my way to the Qantas office to get my return flight reticketed.

All the way forward to Feb 5.

Big difference, yes. I only made up my mind to do so on Monday and I only decided on Feb 5 before I went out of the house to put into action the decision made six days ago while sitting on a cold balcony at a resort at Port Campbell.

Monday, Port Campbell in a resort facing the bay while an all-day storm flooded places like Caulfield (or so, I heard on the evening news). It was raining, the weather was wintry and every thing seemed clear as I sat there staring at the mountains in the foreground, towering above the bay in which water raged and waves collide, while all around, rain danced and the tall pine trees swayed along. When the wind blew, rain droplets wet me. When the wind changed directions, it sometimes lashed me and stung my eyes, making me look as if I was crying further.

It was cold. I was reminded of July Camp. Some moments, I wanted to cry. I did tear as the wind froze me and there were times when a scripture or just something He says to my spirit made me tear and want to sob. With my journal, bible, a black ball point pen and a black felt fine marker, I sat there for the length of a football's match and alternate between scribbling, reading and looking at the sight before me. In awe and being.

I found peace in the Great Ocean Road trip. Every thing rages, buffered by winds, horizons disappeared for the mist and weather. It was storm and it was still. In chaos, I have order. I stood there staring at the 12 Apostles and knew all was in control.

Every thing in my life now seems totally transcient, unpredictable and unknown. Except for the Foundation on which I stand on, the Word who gives life and life to the fullest. And right now, having finally made the stay/ go decision after a few tumulous weeks, I can say with full faith that I am at peace and I know - in the now and now - that the choice to stay back is what is meant to be.

In many many ways, leaving on the 21st would be the practical choice. In fact, it is the practical choice. Every thing - finances, relationships - would end in a neat little box and bow. One year of great things and people - that would be the neat tag on that categorised box. Maybe, just maybe that would be easier to shelf somewhere in the memories cupboard too... you know, leave before you get even more attached, you fool.

There's a song called Elijah by Rich Mullins where the chorus breaks into: "But when I leave I want to go out like Elijah with a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire".

Since I always believe in ending with a blast, this would be a good time to go... you know, just in case the party dies down, the flames burn less fiery, and life in general becomes common should I stay on. But yet, I have brought my return date almost two months backwards.

People are leaving. Some for good. Leaving on the 21st kind of ensures in some twisted emotional sense that I won't have to witness the departures of those who surround me. It's a "safer" move.

But yet, I am staying.

When people ask me why, I cite the practical reasons of the unstable media industry back home and the fact that if I should return this month, I would be sitting around for a good period twiddling my thumbs waiting for a reply. Instead, I would stay here, send out resumes, work at a casual job in January,and... wait.

January will be that - a time of waiting.

Utterly scary. The decision I have to make involves two countries.

....

I just recalled rather vividly a scene from Secondary School when I told someone (not sure who) that yes, I will get PR somewhere else when I grow up. I am quietly surprised now at the recollection... since I figure I never quite think I would have to consider citizenship stuff and such.

Jan. It will be a time of waiting, scary good stuff. Finances wise, unless my freelance boss pay me and unless I get a job, it will be rather impossible. Let's not even consider the loan I have to repay.

You can think my choice utterly impractical, I see impractical factors in all the choices avail. But do you see how not taking the safe way out signifies how sure I am that right now, it's right for me to be here?

I am sure of nothing and no person except my God is faithful and I am called to great things and that my choice is accompanied by a peace I need to hold onto.

Everybody's changing. Every thing's changing.

My choice to stay on cannot be and isn't based on people factors. I know that full well and have that impressed upon me. It's not that I don't care about people, it's that I know that I can't make my decision based on who I would have around me simply because everything changes. That's the way of life. The only unchanging thing in my life is God.

Am I applying for PR? Some say it's practical because come March, the points system would be raised and it would be harder to secure PR. I am making that decision only in Jan, when exactly I do not know. I am knocking on doors and seeing which might open. And from then on, I make up my mind but my flight is booked for Feb 5 and I will leave by then, whether for only two weeks or for good or for a few years, again, I do not know.

This is a scary time. But the repeated reassurances from above have sunk in.

About three weeks ago, I could not see at all. The future was pitch black and I was blind. Now vision is restored. And I can picture myself both in Singapore and here, though my heart says I will return to Sg definitely after a while.

Maybe this extended period is a very slow process of saying goodbye. A preparation that the previous, half frenzied, push-everything-into-the-remaining-days rush could not fulfill.

Or maybe I am about to make an extremely big decision, potentially the second biggest in my life, about which land I would be on for my future.

Whatever it is, I am running to stay still. But I want to stop. And just be still.

I love you folks. Please pray for me.