17:07.

"Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahewh, Yahweh
Still I’m waiting for the dawn

Still waiting for the dawn
the sun is coming up
The sun is coming up on the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean"
- Yahweh, U2

"When the bell tolls, it tolls for me..."

Yet even as I bow my head and contribute to the tears already cried over the stories and realities of those whose lives have been irrevocably changed forever, the onset of the end of the 2004 have brought some clarity about my life and direction.

I am coming full circle.

I have walked through the desert and cried till my eyes were dry, I have swung from one end of the spectrum of Feelings and Word, faith and theology and have learnt to walk the balance (or try with more discernment and less cynicism than I would figure I ever could be capable of); and I am learning to ask again, to dare to dream again, and not not ask for fear of not receiving; to let people in and let people see me vulnerable, whingy and weak and not in control; to worship and not hide behind an instrument; to worship with as much of me cut loose without caring about surrounding people.

More: The spiritual affirmation has been given, I know again that I can minister to people and be used. I know I have been filled and given a lot and I have to learn to use what I have been empowered with.

God, music and writing. My big three. Every area that is precious to me has been requested to be placed on the altar. The more I gave, the more I received in ways that the world would deem useless but these ways have made me glad.

In music, I have been challenged and stretched.

With journalism, I have placed my craft on the altar. And after I did, the significance of my craft and the power of the word and the power and effect of writing in my life... have been shown me so clearly I am rather astounded.

With full-time, I have placed it on the altar.

But I perhaps digress, I have come full-circle.

At the end of this unprecented year, I sit here at the same kitchen table I have sat at since Feb, listening to Aimee Mann and two good friends in my kitchen trying to prepare dinner, and passions and purposes are as clear as they once were.

TS Eilot wrote:
"We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time."

That's how I feel now. Six hours and four minutes away from the new year.

Will write more.

May this new year surpasses the next one.