15:46.

"Bono was attending the opening of a museum exhibition in Holland by U2's longtime photographer Anton Corbijn, "and he had a room full of Bonos, if you can think of anything worse," the singer says, chuckling with embarrassment. "But to see these giant pictures, through the years -- I got stuck in front of one, it must have been 1981 or '82, of me taking a ride in a helicopter. The eyes were so open. The whole face was so open.

"A journalist sidled up to me and said" -- Bono affects a thick, old-world accent -- " 'Vat vould Bono now say to dis Bono?' I went, 'Well, I would tell him, he's right -- and stop second-guessing himself.'

"The band was what I believed in then," Bono contends. "My faith in myself was a different matter. That innocence -- you don't just want to shed it. You want to beat it off you, scratch it off. You think that knowledge of the world will somehow give you an easier route through it."

- www.u2.com
- - - - - - -

I was just chatting with an old friend who I met a whole 10 years ago. What happened, I asked? We got more cellulite, she answered.

Here's the first mention of this number on a blog this year - 24.

That's the age I will be this year. Two dozens. Full circle.

I looked back at the person I was at 14. Bono had a band he could believe in; I believed simply in myself, and knew that was not enough as salvation. I was my own god, but I didn't and couldn't worship me. The innocence of adolescence - and me, every step trying to rid myself of that wide-eyed innocence that I thought merely uselessly characterised my age - trying to navigate and understand the world and meaning and oneself is heartpain. Navigating life with pure instinct (and much Grace) and desperation for more than this was like a blind girl in a tunnel holding her heart in her hands (because it is the only part that can feel) and using it to grope her way around.

10 years on, now. I am still trying to navigate and understand the world and meaning, and who I am in the midst of all this.

My salvation has found me and is continually being worked out in me.

I have a God and I can live.

At one point, while growing up, I probably did think "that knowledge of the world will somehow give you an easier route through it".

Somehow along the way, as basis to believe in oneself completely changes its foundations, and Hope is learnt while Faith works on, I hold on to the innocence I understand now is so precious and I want to navigate my world while holding on to this innocence.

However cliche that sounded.

When I was 14, I knew clearly what I wanted.

In half a year's time, I will be 24. And I have no idea what I want.

Dreams have been fulfilled, expectations have been exceeded, growing young is the theme of the reversal of cynicism and jadedness.

What do you want? What do I want? So often these days when people ask me that, I am at a loss for words.

I want to be nobody else except who I am supposed to be. I want to be a person who means what I say and do not say any thing I do not mean. I want to be willing to love and give, and hurt only when it's necessary. I want to dare to be open and transparent and real.

I guess being lost for words doesn't mean not knowing what I want.

Let's do this through the cycle of dozens, since it's 12 x 2 this year for me.

In the next dozen years, I want to be married, I want to be in the job that is my calling, and I want to be making a difference. I want to still look good, I want to still be passionate about music and enjoy my movies and books and pop culture. I want to be as honest and unhidden as that day 14 years ago at the altar when I pledged to give YOU my 100 per cent with this one life. I want to still be in love with Jesus and more so, passionately and unceasingly so. I want to not be afraid of tackling issues that have to be tackled, of crying or laughing or being goofy. I want to be who I am supposed to be. I want to not be weighed down with wanting money or material possessions. I want to be unafraid of breaking conventions. I want a husband who still holds my hand at home and out, who's not afraid of showing he loves me. I want intelligent discussions, I want pop culture and witty talk, I want fun-spirited wrestling around and goofy talk. I want kisses at the traffic lights, caresses of the neck when I am before the laptop, hugs from behind when I prepare food in the kitchen. I want to know theology better, know the classics, speak ok, at least one more language, be still drumming, and be a better drummer, guitarist and pianist, I want to roast turkeys during Thanksgiving and watch sitcoms on telly. I want to feel fulfilled and yet keep being driven to do even more while I can and because I can and because I am compelled to. I want to have preached before. I want to minister to people. I want to spend time in prayer every single day. I want to be a better writer and a amazing wordsmith. I want to cut through the babble and capture order in chaos both in my writing and in my life. I want to be mentoring someone well, being able to pour my life in someone else's. I want to still be in love with my husband and him to still be madly in love with me. I want to be relevant to Christians and non-Christians. I want to still read the news and understand politics and economics better. I want my brother to come over to my house with his family and vice versa and I want to know and get along extremely well with my sister-in-law and their kids. I want to love my in-laws and for my husband to love his in-laws. I want to sing aloud and talk to myself around the house still if I feel like it. I want to still wear un-aunty jeans. I want to be able to drive, be able to ride a bicycle and know what's it like on the back of a moving motorcycle. I want my husband to share the chores, cook too for me, and not take me for granted or expect the wife to be the maid. I want us to still go out on dates. I want guitars and a piano or a drumset at home. I want a romantic proposal that obviously had a lottt of heart and thoughts put into it, not a "should we apply for a HDB flat?". I want to serve in church. I want to jump during praise and worship from the outflowing of the joy and gladness in my heart and spirit, and not be hindered or ruled by age or expectations. I want to be an assured woman and empower women, to help the abused and neglected. I want to still go out with my friends and be involved in their lives, as they are in mine. I want to still pause and linger to stare at sunsets, rainbows or plain beautiful clouds. I want to - every moment - love God with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul and all my might, all that I am capable of every moment.

And there's more. Even as there's probably too little of some subjects or big picture that I wrote about.

It is 5.37pm, nearly two hours since I started this post. In between, I deep fried a piece of marinated fillet the way Mom does and fried up some eggplant like brinjals with the chili, ginger, garlic mix I broke the mortar pounding.

Yes, I broke a mortar.

But that ain't the point.

The point is this.

I am 24 years old. Who I was is not who I am, and yet what I wanted are not all undifferent from what I want but I am alive. And I am going to live like the saved.

Because I have been saved.

And that's the diff.