1120.

"You take me as I am
Into Your nail-scarred hands
When I run so far away
You always call me back again
Into Your open arms
No matter what I've done
Amazing grace has found me here
Because of what You've done, I am free"
- The Weight Of The World, Planet Shakers

The tears have started and I know I need them. Maybe saltwater disturbs limbo and shake one out of oneself. Maybe.

I cried myself to sleep last night, driven by ambiguity, uncertainty and general lostness. Locked my door, sobbed quietly so my folks won't hear me, and literally cried myself to sleep, when you cry so hard, it's kind of draining.

I woke up at 6.30 - and I am speaking now in sg time, having finally re-set laptop and mobile phone time to local, since local is now sg - with stark clarity and my first thought was the realisation of how I'm not on my futon and how the walls, ceiling, light coming into the room, room space... every thing were different.

Have You called me back here, Lord? I guess I didn't prepare myself for how much I miss Melb its people and life in the city of trams. After washing my face just now in the bathroom, I look into the small mirror and saw the same eyes once staring at me from a much bigger mirror, a panel above the sink with a tube of white light perched on the edge of the top side.

Every difference shouts at me. My environment seems to tear at me sometimes. And I feel like I don't know how to navigate my world right now.

Did you call me back, Lord?

Oh, yes the peace was real and I know I could choose to throw off all baggage now and learn to run forward, in Sg. But yet, up to the last minute in Melb, I'd had stayed if You had given me a job, Lord.

I guess Your choosing not to says something.

But were/ are You saying my time for now is in Sg?
Or, were/ are You wanting me to realise how much Melb is to me before You put me back there?

I've realised in greater depth how much I needed your, how much I drew from Melbourne and how lost I feel without you, you, you, you, you, you, you.

But - and this is not a new thought - maybe I've to be apart from all that because I need to re-find myself again; who I am, at a more detached distance from you who love me and believe in me and make me feel beautiful.

Your brought out the best in me and now I've to learn to be that person without your here.

Is that how it is, Lord? The relationship between S k y e T, attachment, dependence and continuous neccessary detachment, now fuelled differently without a commitment phobia? I don't know.

I'm not sure how we are going to do this and the thought of not being there hurts. And I still walk the Sg streets wondering how you would like it.

Life is a terrible - on the most existential level - strange affair and I'm living it.

Speak to me, Lord, speak to me. I'm so aware of how I could screw up every thing, how I could be making the wrong choice and giving up those I love for a life I am not meant to return to. Help me.

Help.