23:20.

It rained today for the first time since I have been back in Sg.

And for some reason, precipitation made me happy, especially when I remember thinking just a while back about the absence of rain and the daily monotonous weather. When I stepped out of the church hall and saw the drizzle, I swerved out of the covered walkway and strolled under the light rain, one arm out to feel and receive the refreshment.

For some reason, as I walked out of church premises under heavier drizzle, the thought that it is a new day came to me.

I am done. Kaput with... I really don't quite know how to put it, whinging perhaps, general down-ness... perhaps more permission to be melancholic than I should had allowed myself. That said, I believe truly that it is okay to be down. I mean, look at me. And that said, I am convinced that being honest about my struggles is the only way to go. But all said, I guess I am tired of being as strained as I felt. Being as torn, as worn out, that regular a passenger on the emotional rollercoaster.

I still don't know for sure sure where I am meant to be, and I sure do not know when I am supposed to be where. Nor do I know which job I should take, and a whole lot of other things. Repeating "I don't know" might be true but that can be tinged with despair if you fall into its arms.

I am done with that. Pah. Be gone.

I still get haunted (sorry, I can't find a better word) by Melbourne and its memories. Life in Melb and life in Sg seems like some parallel universes, cruelly detached at times but so be it. This is life. Locations are distinct because without distinction, they won't be separate locations. If an apple looks like an orange, it won't be called an apple. Melbourne is not meant to be Sg, Sg is not meant to ever be Melbourne. So I will feel different, that's natural.

I guess it was so hard because I truly love Melbourne. I truly love church, my home, the people I know and want to know, the streets, the food, the freedom, the memories. I feel like a better person in Melbourne. I want to be behind the drumset at CCBC on Feb 25, drumming for Parkville. I want to be at the launch of Urban Life, be there at the international students ministry banquet and start-up and all, I'm excited to see the Women's Ministry start. I miss my drumset, people, places and just had a sudden urge to visit the Gaslight market again.

Knowing you were once a part of all these things you love, and now you are not... well, hurts and tears at your heart. And I know that even if I return now, things would have already been different in some areas to some aspect. The truth is that wherever I be - Sg or Melb, there would be many things to deal with that are hard. I honestly don't think either way is the easy way out.

If you allow me to explain why I seem to be just having too much of a hang up, yeah, can I just say it is because of love? I love my time in Melb. And I can't say it enough. And since the very nature of love requires attachment, as I argued in Philo, I have to go through every trial that attachment comes with.

So be it. At least I am alive.

But I'm done. There are so many memories that will always stay a part of me, replay in my mind, jumpstart to life when the smallest of things trigger it - oranges, morning fresh, black tea (if I can find it....), certain songs, Ally McBeal, movies I watched, mat songs Roomie and I shouted along to before collapsing in laughter, Aust fruits on sale at Cold Storage, Fish N Chips, Gelare, even drumsets. There are too many to describe. I know I have been blogging really long posts....

But yes, despite missing you, Melb. Despite that stab of ouch that still jabs at me when I acknowledge that I will never walk your streets again, and may never be in our home at 222 Victoria Street (I keep seeing Sg's Victoria Street on brochures and directions, that's another trigger-er of memories) since even if I go back, Hannah and Germie might no longer be there and I won't have access to this home and even if I do, it will look different [that's what excerbates the pain I guess - that every thing changed and I really don't and won't have access to what I left behind in the same way ever again], despite everything and without denying the ouch ouch and ouch, I am laying this down.

Melbourne, I give you to my God. Memories, hopes, fears, dreams, laughter, tears, music, I give your all to my King.

For He's in charge. He knows better than I do or ever will and He loves me more than life. So I know with all I am that I can trust Jesus.

And I'm going to be giving my shot at throwing every door open (remember these words in case we all get surprised by what comes next) but I am putting out the fleeces calmly and logically, and I will rest in Him.

Peace out.