12:38.

It's been heaps long since I logged into Blogger. And even longer since I logged in and managed to start a post proper.

Among other reasons, I suppose today's oddity can be credited to the 4-day MC I'm on due to last Thurs' wisdom tooth surgery.

Getting older is a strange deal - Wisdom teeth, aches and such, the lack of aptitude for late nights jaunts and all that were common back when I was new to being a 20-something.

Since I last posted - And it does seem terrible of me to be doing a summary to these matters so significant but it has been months since I last posted - I have gotten engaged(!). Ray proposed on our Sg trip on Oct 31st. We have bought a condo together, I have got a promotion, started co-leading a Life Group, we both have stepped up our commitment to church and ministry
and seriously started on the wedding prep.

The past few months have passed seemingly in a rush. Over 4 months since we changed our status on Facebook to "engaged" (and got a torrent of very nice congratulory messages). One year since I became an "expat" (inverted commas 'cause I really don't get treated like one!). Almost two years since I moved here.

Yessir, this year's been a rush all right.

Just now, while reading the papers and eating my brunch, Ray's mom had on a Mandarin radio station which was playing some 90s songs. And it's as if the nostalgia from Faye Wong's Ni Kuai Le Jiu Si Wo Kuai Le (I think my pinyin just gone from bad to worst), and all the wave of remembering how far You have brought me came together in a sweep.

Our church's on this Journal journey together when there are designated scriptures every day to read and then reflect upon. The past few days, we have been on Deut where at the threshold of the promised land, Moses recaps on all that has happened since the exodus. He remembers, he reminds the people and he exhort the people to remember all that the Lord has done and not to forget the Lord Our God as He now takes us into that land flowing with milk and honey.

Be ruthless with sin. Remember the Lord your God. And don't let the good stuff distract you from the Giver of the best.

On Sat morning, for the 1st time, Ray preached at a church's youth service :) Pr Mark sent him there. It's strange feeling like a pastor's wife (oh, I still rem how indignant I felt when a pastor first suggested to me that may be my call, instead of being a pastor myself) but very awesome to see my man rise up in His call.

This is a big year. A very big year. Marriage, Ministry, Career, Family, Friends... every thing's at a speed that is faster than before, as if they are all rushing towards a big bang of fulfillment and clarity that prev escaped my feeble eyes.

And in the midst of all of these, a cry from my soul has arose.

I need God.

I need God so much. I want God so much I feel almost desperate. There's so much more of the Divine to know and embrace. So much more of the big-ness of my Lord that I have failed to grasp. So much more of the Divine substance marriage with the human will to have. So much more of You, so much less of me to want.

The age of my years (going 27 now) almost weighs on me. I have heard and followed and tried to do the right things. And He has been faithful. But the distance between my heart and head seemed to have increased the last few months and now that You have made it aware to me, I am stepping out. I'm stepping out and I'm stepping up. More of You, less of me, Lord. More of You, less of me.

Every aspect of my life's going awesome. This is a good place to be at. But the truth - as it always remains, that unbending constant whisper from the eternity in one's soul - there's more than these. It's not just there must be more, but I know there is more. And as lovely as all are now, I can't just revel and be satisfied. I want more of God.

I need more of God. And I don't want to live any day without an increase in the knowledge of You and me in You and You in me.

I love You, Lord. We love You, Lord. And we dedicate every single day to You. For the plans we dream but are scared to hope in, for the hopes and fears entangled in humanity, for the dreams of faith and cry to soar... hold our hearts and hold our heads. We give all to You.

"Break our hearts for what break Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's Cause"

Praise You.

Amen.