16:23.

It's strange to know how much the elitist from my educational upbringing seems embedded somewhere inside very deeply. And it's further strange how it could even have sprung forth when my real upbringing is humble in every and any sense.

But starting from acing Lit, strengthened and grown from Mass Comm admitance and performance, fed and led from that early journalism career despite my real humble beginnings, I think there's simply a little girl inside who believed more than she should in her own elitism when elitism is but hogwash really.

And it's at the strangest times when it comes out - A strong pride that I can't always distinguish. When is it a natural acceptable reaction to the illogical and when is it a green-eyed goblin, defensive, would-be superior and fighting for its tuft?

How Singaporean is that word and behaviour - Elitism. How intricately related to my past living. 'cause well, it was part of life. That we weren't the ee, r a f f l es schools type of elite. We were the street-smart, creative, trailblazers elites.

Oh Lord, help me discern, help me discern please. Let what must die die indeed. Yet let me be able to see clearly the tangled heartstrings so I don't kill what needs to live to build a unique called living being uniquely shaped to fit a specific hole in this society.

Hold my heart.

18:32.

"Contrary to popular opinion, trials don't come into our lives to produce faith. They come to prove faith." - Next Wave Online

Your Birthdate: July 10

Independent and dominant, you tend to be the alpha dog in most situations. You're very confident, and hardly anything ever shakes you. Mundane tasks tend to drain you - you prefer to be making great plans. You are quite original. When people don't "get" you, it bothers you a lot. Your strength: Your ability to gain respect Your weakness: Caring too much what others think Your power color: Orange-red Your power symbol: Letter X Your power month: October

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

1254.

It's still a nice cool day in Singapore, despite it being after noon. It rained yest morn' and this morn' too and it was very very lovely to sleep in and feel the cool breeze wafting in from the windows.

Seasoned bloster, support pillow, blanket - Mmmm.

Am going to take today easy. Going out for dinner later with my folks. Tomorrow's my dad's 60th birthday.

Am also going to tinkle the ivories a bit if there's time and spend time with God especially to deal with the angst I know I'm culminating about my boss. Got to deal with it, got to deal with it or it's not going to be pretty.

Had a great day out yest with 2 friends. Spent the afternoon in Orchard with Anne (a large part in Topshop, oopsie) and dinner and the evening with Germie at Bugis. Ventured to the "old" Bugis Village too which I've not been to since er... poly days I think.

Having been there now, I highly recommend as a great place for cheap buys and great deals. Got a couple of contacts for wholesale selling there so I'm happy :)

I got heaps of good buys yest but even though they are good buys, they add up. And I've decided not to do any shopping for the next two months.

I bought:

- A Topshop dress ($29 only!)
- A Topshop skirt ($19 only!)
- A Topshop bracelet
- An old school cuff watch (which I think I'll float online to check out response)
- A mustard cropped cardi with big buttons :)
- A pair of sliver Accessories earring
- A pair of blue Diva earrings (to replace the exact pair I dropped and broke last month)
- A victorian styled green dress
- A yellow Beatles tee
- 1 pair of button earrings
- 1 pair of chunky white hoops
- 1 pair of clear jellies :D
- 1 pair of white ballet jellies

Ooh, and Germie kindly passed me the Trav is tee she got. And Anne passed me a pair of black Topshop casual shorts I got her to buy for me for $8 during the sale earlier.

So... yes, keep me accountable, folks. No more shopping.

But I'm serious abt seeing if I can start up a shopping blog and bring in stuff to KL from Sg. So I'm gg to float a few items online and see the response and if the response is good, then I'll buy more things and keep it going. Maybe in spree format or just limited items format. The Cur ve's flea market is an option if it gets bigger but that requires more logistics than I'm able to for a while.

Any way, all's good. Deep inside where it really matters, all's good.

Peace out.

17:12.

I'm back in Singapore after about 10 weeks of absence, which I reckon is the longest I've been away from here since I moved last year.

Time flies. '07 will be coming to a close, golly. Ray and I have been together 2 years, wow. I've been in Msia for 15 months, whew. And back in corporate for almost 6 months, man.

Heck, I'm 26 and 4 months away from a new year in which I have to identify myself as *swallows* 28.

So many things are the same and yet not the same. So many things have changed and so many remain similar. And in all things, alleluia, our God reigns so I can rest and live.

I love being back in Singapore, love the green trees and neat roads, love the organised traffic (heh) and brighter air, if that makes sense.

A poster caught my eye earlier as I enter the immi section. "42th birthday. A city of possibilities" (I think it's "city", it could have been another word).

And well, that caught me - "possibilities". And it caught me with a persuasion and magic right there at the doorstep of my nation. I reckon that's great marketing positioning. Kudos, whichever agency our govt uses.

When I came home, took the lift up and stepped through the door when we reached 7th storey, I felt a quiet exhilaration. Am not too sure why. Maybe it's the high rise living (*pokes* my love), maybe it's the familiar slight wind and muted yet clear natural light, maybe it's knowing I was a few steps away from going home.

What a world of contradictions and paradoxes - That familiarity breeds contempt and yet familiarity has our hearts wrapped up in its comforts and languid before its throne.

But you know, I've found family in Msia.

And though admittedly, I'm struggling to see what God does for me in my job, I'm in a good place and thankful.

Went for church camp last weekend and the whole three days just shouted and felt like family. I can see CCKL in my future and I'm rooted and planted and committed.

So despite the duality (triplicate really 'cause Home is with my Lord in the mansion with many rooms) homes syndrome, the scale of RM vs SGD, family here, wanting our future children to have a great education (and me firmly advocating Sg education system despite its flaws), despite every and any thing in between the heart and head, soul and body - Lord I am Yours.

Wherever it be. We've sung the songs and meant the pledge. Now we live the lives that shout your praise positioned at where your calling brought and kept this once lost soul now found and renewed.

You are my King.

I want more of You in my life. I cannot live without You and so never (God help me) want to step out of Your calling for my life.

Keep us, Lord. Yours.

17:53.

And it's almost Thursday evening.

And it's almost knock off time.

And I'm going to forget the loads of work for a few days now. Each day has nuff worries... see my God understands living.

And it's church camp tomorrow.

Like say yee haw.

14:35.

Hey ya hey ya.

Nope I have not abandoned this place, as much as it seems otherwise.

Have just been too consumed by work. And I use the word "consumed" with not much joy but with acknowledgement.

It still remains true, friends, that when I stop writing, it often means something somewhere down the line is broken... the tracks are unhitched. When I don't have time to think and be still, I fundamentally get affected as a person. So... I'm going to have to write again, write more, write like this girl used to.

The break is tiny but it's no good to ignore any friction in the soul. Even when it's mute.

It's a very warm Sat and Ray and I are bumming in Starbucks at up town, which is where I work too. Planned to get a haircut while he chills here but I couldn't face waiting for 30minutes. Looks like I will go back on Monday during lunchtime and get choppy china doll bangs (if I don't chicken out).

Next Fri, I'm off work and we go to Port Dickson (never been there) for church camp :) Now, that I'm looking forward to something major. And the week after that, I'm off on Thurs and go back to Sg. It would have been abt 3 months since I last went back to my beloved homeland. It will be great.

It is well with my soul. As long as my soul train's on track on His, it is still alleluia and amen.

Praise God.