17:32.

Practice today definitely went better than yesterday. I'm thankful. I'm still not smooth or "steady" enough and there are two places where I have no idea how to follow the original recording's fills. But am continuing to just trust and pray.

Early next morning, Hannah and I would have to cross the road and get to the meeting place which is just across the street. Joy. Then it's a drive to Adekate Camp where we would stay till Sat.

Went to school just now, got an overall Distinction for one subject, or so the lecturer informed me as I picked up my work. I'm glad, not delirious but glad enough. Paid about a third of my school fees instead of the whole sum. Think the bank imposed a daily credit limit though I requested for it to be lifted before I came here but well, it shouldn't be a problem paying the rest.

"The world is empty, pale and poor
compared to knowing You my Lord
Lead me on, I will run after You
Lead me on, I will run after You"
- One Pure and Holy Passion

22:03.

Now I know more than ever I am not as strong as I think I am. As I thought I was. I acknowledge too that I'm dependent, not just on God alone but in certain areas, I need people. So, I face the fact I was loathe to acknowledge - I am not an island, whatever my namesake alludes to. The question now then - after admitting that even I can't always be content and at peace with being alone - is what next? Do I learn to reach that higher level of independence, a place where there is only God and me? Or do I learn to be dependent on people too, while always placing God first and as my cornerstone? That former sounds lofty, doesn't it? Its detachness alien from the Christ I serve, the God who came as Jesus Christ, left his divine powers, got involved in this messy humanness... for our sake and salvation.

Maybe I'm just learning to love. I'm not too sure who I am showing to the world but I'm trying not to be overly conscious and not to walk away.

22:50. Drumming on Fri night went all right. In fact, I really enjoyed the whole night - backup singing, drumming, nerves and an enroaching cramp in my right leg before I started drumming, encouraging band members and well, the music and the target of our affections - God.

I don't think I ever even dared try drumming Did You Feel The Mountains Tremble in the safety of times when nobody but me was in church with the drum set. There was an improvement from the last time and I wasn't besieged by the nerves, fears and worries of the first time too. Thank you for your prayers, those of your who prayed.

It seems like most of my posts recently have been about music, drumming and what God has been doing in these areas of my life and in me. Well, they are my current focuses, somehow.

Next Wed to Sat, I will be away for July Camp. I just signed up today. As with Easter Camp, I took forever to decide whether to go or not, yes. Last week, a brother asked if I could drum for his session during July Camp. It took some to-ing and fro-ing in my heart and mind, but I agreed to play. It's not exactly because I'm more confident, I'm not really though I did see an improvement in my drumming and endeavour to keep at it. But an email he forwarded me about the aim of the camp and the aim of the session prompted me to keep stepping out. The basic gist of the content that pushed me was about using whatever we have to glorify God. I may not have much but I know that I have to use them and give them.

It will be my third time drumming for OCF and it still unnerves me so. Will be playing on the Thursday night session. Do pray for me, folks.

Only listened to the songlist today and realised one of the songs - a slow one so one might think it should be easier - has triplets going on on the hats. Less than a month ago, I didn't even know what triplets are. Tomorrow, I should practise and see if I can get it. Be still my heart, be still my heart.

I love you, Lord.

11:30.

In our living room, there is now a drum set, an electric guitar and its amp, a keyboard with a gorgeous sound, bongos and percussion, and my acoustic guitar.

It brings a smile to my face just listing out the items and their current temporary dwelling.

Had band practice just now. Since it's something called Celebratory Night - or it could be Celebration, I'm not that sure - there's extended praise and worship. We have two drummers, two keyboardists and two worship leaders, all swopping places after the first three songs.

No whatever musician pride or ego here, I'm just glad I'm taking the slower songs because I'm not confident of the fast ones.

The first time I drummed, when the first song started, I realised an uncomfortable warmth on the back of my neck spreading upwards (not to my whole face thankfully), that was how the frog in my throat and butterflies in my stomach decided to manifest.

Again today, it happened with the first song I drummed. I can only hope I did not turn red. I think rehearsal got better as it progressed, perhaps away from the first mid-tempo track to what we normally term "worship" songs.

I am excited, and eager to practise further before the next rehearsal at 3pm tomorrow. I also really really want to make a sound on an electric guitar for the first time in my life (!!!) and indulge in worship on the keyboards. I half can't believe this blessing.

Oh and yes, I was really enjoying it when the guys started jamming at the end of the rehearsal. Hearing the opening rifts to Smells Like Teen Spirit made me jump up of my chair and scream. Which was embarassing but I was really well, excited somehow and hopping with gladness, not that I hopped too. That would be even more embarassing. And they did Come As You Are too. Why they and not me? 'cause I can't just play songs out of the air like that.

Wheeeeee.... :>

22:14.

Photo blog.
It would be updated whenever there is reason to.

12:03.

So, I said yes. And yes, this sounds rather like some working out of a marriage proposal but it is not. I said yes to drumming next week. Probably when I wrote the last post, the decision was made in my head somewhere in deeper recesses just that it was not vocalised.

Every thing I posted about the rawness of drumming as a fledgling and the grating effects on the heart stand true still now. But something has happened in this same heart, I'm not sure when and how exactly but something has happened. The shift in focus from me to Jesus in this area of service feels real now. It is no longer a struggle where I continuously have to shove Me away, wharp myself on the head and say, look at Him, you toot! It feels like something solid has shifted in, in my heart. And pride, previously just bloodied and cut down, seemed to have taken a different place. A place where, musically, it doesn't interfer with faith.

Which is why when an unusual arrangement was proposed - that the worship leader, who's a drummer, drums the first few fast songs while I go to back-up vocals and the keyboardist take lead vocals - I was perfectly okay with it.

No wounded would-be musician pride or any thing, I was aware that whatever the arrangement and even if I do not play, I'm okay with it as long as God is lifted up high. And well, whatever's best, whatever would make the session work better, be more conduive for the fellowship is highest priority.

The Me in the equation doesn't need to be there. I don't matter, and I'm not saying this is any spirit but one of honesty and without woe-be-me-liness or bitterness or ashes-and-sackcloth-spirit. I may like to drum but it doesn't mean I have to, because it's not about me.

I'm recounciled. Not too sure exactly recounciled between what and what but it feels that way. And I can honestly say I - "I" as in me pride and as a musician, not me as an existential whole - don't matter in this greater scheme of things.

Last night was... interesting. And I have to stop falling back on the word when I'm lost for descriptions.

Somewhere during worship after the sermon, I think, I realised something. And I believe God was speaking to me. My heart hurt physically then for some moments, facing this realisation - that I have never worked at what I have been given. Writing, music, certain capacity for theology and questioning from that innate curiousity and need to understand... all these I have never seeked to develop properly but had always functioned with them on whatever undemanding level I could exercise them at. In a parallel to the parable of the talents, I feel like I have been the servant who buried his talent, except that in my case, it was not in fear that I would lose it in ventures but sadly because I have been too indisciplined, lazy, slothful.

And it hurts because I do want to serve God and use all I have for His Glory and Kingdom and I believe I am all and who I am because He does have a purpose for my life encompassing all these traits and abilities He has graciously given to me. But me, I have not sought to advance or use them. It's like I reach a wall on the path I tread and instead of seeking to get over it, I just either stand there or knock my head against it. Because they are easier courses of action. With music, with words, with burning questions which answers could benefit the fellowship, I had failed to be a good steward.

(That last area was further hammered into my heart during supper time, when the visiting pastor was introducing theological concepts to our table of dear brothers and sisters who were mostly unexposed as yet to those concepts, the same concepts that drove me slightly crazy a few years ago.)

Well now that I'm aware, I want to change circumstances. I will work at my music, I will absorb the classics and refine my craft of wordsmithery, I will read and follow through arguments and theological labyrinths.

I will accept His Word and store up His commands within me, turn my ear to wisdom, apply my heart to understanding. I will call out for insight, I will cry aloud for understanding, I will look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, and thus I will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God (paraphrase Proverbs 2:1-5).

I seek now.

16:50.

Seems like I blog rather often when I'm here, sitted by the living room window, perched on our Ikea foldaway wooden chair at the Ikea wooden table with a hot drink between my laptop and me.

Am having a cuppa black tea and two shortcake cookies before Hannah and me go across the road for OCF meeting.

It has been a good day. Really lazy, but good. Woke up, or rather lounged in my futon for a long time before I got up at noon. Had a lamington and the two remaining hardened (tragic, ain't it? Only spotted a Best Before... label on the box yesterday) choco chip cookies with tea for breakfast/ lunch. Took a long shower, played drums, then retreated to the room while Hannah's co-cell leader dropped by. Tried different combos of layering tops (hah), did make-up, devotion and hey, whaddaya know, it was already 4pm. The days here end about 6pm or even earlier now, as sunshine becomes a sporadic occurance that even when appearing, gives way without a fight as 5.30pm reaches.

Somehow, I like it. For now, any way... these short days.

:)

I'm finally rid of the essays tension that lingered on all along after the 9th, when I handed up my last assignments ahead of schedule. I breathe easy now, and as the days become short and tire-less, I have adopted a two-meal diet and since we are not sharing cooking now that Germie is back in the Sg, simple meals are the order of the day. And I enjoy the lifestyle of such.

It's 5.32pm now and it's dark outside already. We lost some time on this blog just now when the Ocf guys came to transport some speakers, the drumset and varied equipment stored at our place. Was very tickled by the sight of four dudes carrying various parts of a drumset and crossing the street. Heh.

Hmm, I have been asked to drum again next week by the same worship leader who chose me the first time. Even if I don't say yes, I'm thankful for the encouragement of being asked to play again. Yes, and I'm not heeding the tinny voice by my ear that says it's because we are short of drummers. Hah. Have got to give my answer later on and I'm still not that sure what to say. But you know something?

I enjoyed playing the last time around. I really did. Even though I screwed up the bridge section of one song very obviously and I had to be paced by the bassist, who's also a drummer, during the slow songs, there was a moment - or even a few moments - when I mentally stopped and realised how I enjoy the feeling of playing again. And playing songs that has always intimidated me as a musician. And playing in a good band, a privilege I would say I never had.

Sure, the whole episode had so many tortuous moments and pride and ego were bashed and murdered again and again. Nerves overtook me like they never had for years and years, and I was truly feeling helpless and inadequate.

Here's something from a blog dated April 19:

"Me, with my half-past six musical skills, was the best musician the chinese church had. Weird, yeah, I used to tell them no, I suck, every time they tell me how good I played at a certain song or session simply because I was aware of how good other bands are. Which is why playing in a new band intimidates me, I suppose, because from being the one who knew what was going on and what to do every time, I would then be the one who doesn't."

That was exactly what happened. And it was painful and trying even though somewhere at the back of my head and heart, I was very aware of how good the experience is for me - in reducing pride, in making me to be humble, in learning as a fledging musician. But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt like heck, because in the process the musician part of myself was cut down and up, and even as I was glad to be made aware of my bad habits, a part of me felt handicapped and utterly torn down. "I suck, I suck, I suck" was hard to keep away.

So... yeah. Back to the present.

I do like to play again but I'm aware that my bad habit in my default beat has not been totally righted, and I see it surface when I play songs instead of just rhythms. I also really don't want to think "oh the second time will be easier" in case I depend on myself instead of God. And God knows me depending on my half-baked skills is a recipe for diasaster. I would also acknowledge that there is an element of pain to play when one is aware of one's vulnerabilities. Because you are laid bare, and you are stripped of whatever you can take pride in, but yes, that's why playing is good, it's such an exercise in faith and trust.

Trust me to wax lyrical and make something seemingly simple so convoluted. Yeah, sometimes I drive me crazy.

The drum set has been kept here for about two or three weeks now and I'm praying it will come back to my apartment after tonight's meeting too.

One night somewhere between the first rehearsal and the Friday I was playing, as I laid down in bed, in a bolt of clarity coated not without frustration, I told God and myself I would work at my drumming. I would be serious this time and not do the mere musical doodles and undisciplined laziness loafer bit. If I say I want to serve Him through music, then I should work at it. I should try to be as best as I can be. I should run, endeavour, seek, pursue excellence. It's the easiest and most tempting thing to do to walk away when you can't do something well but I don't want to do that. Not now.

Two nights back, as I was spending quality/ quiet time with God, I suddenly laughed out loud. In my head, I had seen images of drummers I have seen in my church and I laughed because I realised how almost every drummer I've seen here is better than those of us at church back home.

It was not a mean laugh, or malicious or any thing. I was amused somehow, probably rather in awe too at how God has showed me a new standard possible in these drummers here at Melbourne. How just by watching and being exposed to them, I'm shown new things I can learn and the standard I'm aware of is raised. I think my laughter was half wry, knowing that I have a long long way to go but glad that I'm aware of greater heights now. I smile now as I write this and I'm not doing a happy face symbol because there have already been too many in this post, yuppers.

Hm. If I say yes later, I would be fighting against similar fears, worries and anxieties. Can you pray for me then?

*muack*

*grins*

This is the good life, innit.

20:36.

The shift of global economic power.

18:35.

It has been a cold cold day. Brrr. The weather reports says it's 10 degrees, feeling like 7 degrees but darn if it doesn't feel even colder. I'm properly cold, in capris, socks, two T-shirts and a sweater. If this goes on, I'm going to be keeping the heater on.

Hope the roommate is enjoying the 32 degrees weather of Singapore. Gak.

Hah.

20:50.

I want a reason to dance, to sing, to jump and scream. I want a reason to live. And I know with all I am that I do have this reason. It's just that sometimes, knowing and living exists on different planes. And they don't meet.

17:52.

My last two deadlines for the semester are tomorrow, 5pm but thank God, I have finished both on Tuesday about 5pm and handed them up yesterday about 2pm. So for the first time in a while, my brain has nothing urgent to tackle. What stress there was has melted away, and violent tendencies have disappeared. Yeah, violent tendencies. They were rather real when I had PMS and deadlines all together. Spilt personalities... most of them (like the violent me) have disappeared or are lying dormant.

Though I feel finally... uncoiled, and it is a darn goood feeling, my brain seemed to have entered into Sleep mode. Either that, or it is in shock, stunted by the idea that there are no schoolwork for a month.

Yesterday, Germaine and I went to our respective schools to hand up our assignments. Then all three of us, our entire household went to Brunswick, then from there back home to deposit our shopping, before going to Crown and then to Lygon for beloved roche and rum and raisin gelati which by the way, is one of the best things about Melbourne. It never fails to make me happy, Roche gelati.

And now I lay me down. Just for a rest.

22:36.

Say a prayer.

Today's sunset.
copyright.skye.t's

Yesterday's sunset.
copyright.skye.t's

13:33.

This is the good life, I know it's true. Nevermind the thistles along this road I tread, this is the good life. Woke up at 11am, had breakfast, devotion, showered, and now I'm gearing up to further tackle my essay. I look out of my room window and see the gorgeous blue sky and the upstairs neighbour's plants on her balcony flapping in the wind. There's sunshine today and a lightness in my heart. Life is too beautiful, thorns, petals, bee stings and all.

12:02.

When I first reach consciousness after a night of slumber, my mind has a far-reaching capacity. Literally so, I can feel my mind move up from where I still lie and then out, manoveuring through the distance between the room door and me and then out of the door. And I can somehow see a picture of what lies beyond my sight through my mind.

Yesterday morning and today's too, my mind went on its usual check-out-what-lies-beyond ritual and what it saw seemed to transport me elsewhere. What I know and what was projected was different. I know that once out of my room door, the kitchen is to the right but, my mind was seeing it to the left. I was disoriented for a moment, trying to get a grab on my surroundings for a while before I realised what was happening.

In my mind, I was home. Home in Woodlands, in Singapore. And my mind somehow chose to navigate those familiar settings instead of Vic St's. I heard the microwave door shut. In my mind, I saw Mom doing the action but I knew it was that... all in the mind.

And yet, yet, as I lay there, I knew I would miss this place and everything it has been to me and shown me thus far when I leave. Whenever that is. A friend called my almost-anxious predisposition towards my future "final-year syndromes". That's as accurate a description as any, I reckon, but one thing, this is my first-year too.

*shrugs*

Have a good day, folks. An essay is calling my name.

15:02.

News:

Death of a President.

Unborn Baby Snatchers.

Sigh.

15:02.

I keep writing and stopping, saving posts as drafts and logging out these days. Somehow, I just don't have the words to use though my mind is a minefield of explosive and dormant thoughts and random weirdness. The perpetual work has had a part to do with all these I suppose, cuminating in me changing my Msn nick to mymindleftmew/opermission. Yeah, that's another thing, all these Msn chats are probably making my world all the more hyperreal.

My mind seems to be detached from my body, my heart has a will of its own and my general being just feel rather lost and unusual. I laugh too hard, my head whirls too fast, and I keep going to fantasyland when what I need to do is concentrate and get my last essay started.

I'm distracted. Very. By too many things. And in the midst of the flurry, I tell myself to be still, to be still and know He is God but my mind refuses to obey. Too many issues have been haunting me these days, or if not haunting, demanding my attention and making me start, ununusual are their nature.

I'm kind of tired and I find myself wanting to burrow into the sheets, pull my duvet over my head and get away from the world.

I doubt myself, my pride is shattered, my mask torn. I've been shown I am weaker, even weaker than I knew myself to be, and I'm seeing cracks not just in me but in what's around me too.

And I'm not dealing with the worries of finances and future as well as I should be. Sigh. Come on, girl, let's get this essay out of the way and maybe we will get back in order again.

Taken from our balcony.
copyright.skye.t's

How can the diminishing of life be so beautiful?
copyright.skye.t's

13:39.

First day of winter. My first winter in a country with four seasons.