16:50.

Seems like I blog rather often when I'm here, sitted by the living room window, perched on our Ikea foldaway wooden chair at the Ikea wooden table with a hot drink between my laptop and me.

Am having a cuppa black tea and two shortcake cookies before Hannah and me go across the road for OCF meeting.

It has been a good day. Really lazy, but good. Woke up, or rather lounged in my futon for a long time before I got up at noon. Had a lamington and the two remaining hardened (tragic, ain't it? Only spotted a Best Before... label on the box yesterday) choco chip cookies with tea for breakfast/ lunch. Took a long shower, played drums, then retreated to the room while Hannah's co-cell leader dropped by. Tried different combos of layering tops (hah), did make-up, devotion and hey, whaddaya know, it was already 4pm. The days here end about 6pm or even earlier now, as sunshine becomes a sporadic occurance that even when appearing, gives way without a fight as 5.30pm reaches.

Somehow, I like it. For now, any way... these short days.

:)

I'm finally rid of the essays tension that lingered on all along after the 9th, when I handed up my last assignments ahead of schedule. I breathe easy now, and as the days become short and tire-less, I have adopted a two-meal diet and since we are not sharing cooking now that Germie is back in the Sg, simple meals are the order of the day. And I enjoy the lifestyle of such.

It's 5.32pm now and it's dark outside already. We lost some time on this blog just now when the Ocf guys came to transport some speakers, the drumset and varied equipment stored at our place. Was very tickled by the sight of four dudes carrying various parts of a drumset and crossing the street. Heh.

Hmm, I have been asked to drum again next week by the same worship leader who chose me the first time. Even if I don't say yes, I'm thankful for the encouragement of being asked to play again. Yes, and I'm not heeding the tinny voice by my ear that says it's because we are short of drummers. Hah. Have got to give my answer later on and I'm still not that sure what to say. But you know something?

I enjoyed playing the last time around. I really did. Even though I screwed up the bridge section of one song very obviously and I had to be paced by the bassist, who's also a drummer, during the slow songs, there was a moment - or even a few moments - when I mentally stopped and realised how I enjoy the feeling of playing again. And playing songs that has always intimidated me as a musician. And playing in a good band, a privilege I would say I never had.

Sure, the whole episode had so many tortuous moments and pride and ego were bashed and murdered again and again. Nerves overtook me like they never had for years and years, and I was truly feeling helpless and inadequate.

Here's something from a blog dated April 19:

"Me, with my half-past six musical skills, was the best musician the chinese church had. Weird, yeah, I used to tell them no, I suck, every time they tell me how good I played at a certain song or session simply because I was aware of how good other bands are. Which is why playing in a new band intimidates me, I suppose, because from being the one who knew what was going on and what to do every time, I would then be the one who doesn't."

That was exactly what happened. And it was painful and trying even though somewhere at the back of my head and heart, I was very aware of how good the experience is for me - in reducing pride, in making me to be humble, in learning as a fledging musician. But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt like heck, because in the process the musician part of myself was cut down and up, and even as I was glad to be made aware of my bad habits, a part of me felt handicapped and utterly torn down. "I suck, I suck, I suck" was hard to keep away.

So... yeah. Back to the present.

I do like to play again but I'm aware that my bad habit in my default beat has not been totally righted, and I see it surface when I play songs instead of just rhythms. I also really don't want to think "oh the second time will be easier" in case I depend on myself instead of God. And God knows me depending on my half-baked skills is a recipe for diasaster. I would also acknowledge that there is an element of pain to play when one is aware of one's vulnerabilities. Because you are laid bare, and you are stripped of whatever you can take pride in, but yes, that's why playing is good, it's such an exercise in faith and trust.

Trust me to wax lyrical and make something seemingly simple so convoluted. Yeah, sometimes I drive me crazy.

The drum set has been kept here for about two or three weeks now and I'm praying it will come back to my apartment after tonight's meeting too.

One night somewhere between the first rehearsal and the Friday I was playing, as I laid down in bed, in a bolt of clarity coated not without frustration, I told God and myself I would work at my drumming. I would be serious this time and not do the mere musical doodles and undisciplined laziness loafer bit. If I say I want to serve Him through music, then I should work at it. I should try to be as best as I can be. I should run, endeavour, seek, pursue excellence. It's the easiest and most tempting thing to do to walk away when you can't do something well but I don't want to do that. Not now.

Two nights back, as I was spending quality/ quiet time with God, I suddenly laughed out loud. In my head, I had seen images of drummers I have seen in my church and I laughed because I realised how almost every drummer I've seen here is better than those of us at church back home.

It was not a mean laugh, or malicious or any thing. I was amused somehow, probably rather in awe too at how God has showed me a new standard possible in these drummers here at Melbourne. How just by watching and being exposed to them, I'm shown new things I can learn and the standard I'm aware of is raised. I think my laughter was half wry, knowing that I have a long long way to go but glad that I'm aware of greater heights now. I smile now as I write this and I'm not doing a happy face symbol because there have already been too many in this post, yuppers.

Hm. If I say yes later, I would be fighting against similar fears, worries and anxieties. Can you pray for me then?

*muack*

*grins*

This is the good life, innit.