1037.

It is 18 days away from our wedding. I type this sitting at the home of my teenhood days on possibly the last trip I have in this dear home and country as a single girl. Just my parents' daughter, my brother's sister, my friend's friend and another regular sg girl.

Next time I'm back, I come back as a married woman. And add to the list of roles and hats that of a wife, a daughter now married, a sister now under another man's protection.

Oh wow.

The slight HDB wind wafts through my always opened windows. Why "HDB wind"? 'cause the wind does smell distinct here somehow, not in any bad way at all but with the tinge of homes and laundry.

Wish I have a longer time to meander and linger, mosey and potter around, thump about on the keys and strum some guitar and just relish in the smell of memories and good times.

Oh wow.

Dear Lord, what a long way we have come. Long way You have brought me. Hold my heart, hold my hand, Jesus. Thank You that You never let me go.

I've been back since after midnight Sat night (Sun morning) and will be going back tomw on the 3pm bus.

The days have been busy, shopping for dad, shopping with mom, shopping for me with mom and aunt nancy and running errands all about in between.

Yeserday, we were searching for my jewellery for the wedding. Mom took out her "4 pcs of gold" to show me, that (literally) 4 items that was in her dowry back I think 30 years ago.

And somehow in the midst of all that, my tension (I think I'm just very work oriented at the moment) dissipated and I feel for the first time a glow and pride in these cultural heritage processes and meaning.

Why not. I'm Chinese and of a generation that thankfully still understands heritage and is proud of it. Sentimentality encased in metals that never erode... there's something to be said for that. Having something to bring out and show my own kids one day and tell them it was from my wedding, well, I think tt could be sweet indeed.

Mom still has the little bracelet I used to wear as a kid with the name "Jean Tan" engraved on it on a little plate. And the little gold chain with a gold coin pendant, how classic is that.

Dear Lord Jesus, take this lump in my throat and flutters around my heart and make it something gold and whole and eternally a memory in your mansion with many rooms in your book with all truths and bes.

Take my heart and make it thine. And keep me Yours for all of time.