21:50.

Home is like a womb.

11:30

I don't know if I'll ever be able to describe with justice the inexplicable peace and quiet joy of being at my parent's home.

It's funny. Whenever I'm away from Ray and my home, I do miss its creature comforts but yet with here - "here" being Woodlands, Singapore - there's a still magic that soothes me. I feel more relaxed, I feel even almost closer to You, I know I talk more to You every time I'm in that bedroom where You encountered me so much in my youth.

We are back for CNY. It's Wed today, we've been back since Mon. Did the town rounds yest and ended up making our way to Chomp Chomp for a lengthy but very good dinner of sambal stingray, grilled chicken wings, clams and fried oyster. Too bad the drinks stalls ran out of sugar cane drinks.

Think we are going to try to go to my own 'hood for lunch. Continuing the something new trend for the trip.

It's reunion dinner day :)

The sentiment for this occasion increases as I get older. Last year, we spent reunion dinner in KL and oh man, I had to keep myself in check from being emo about being away from home. So very interesting, life as a married woman, hah.

Am going to try to see if we can get time out somewhere where we just read and talk to You, Dad. I love it that You are everywhere.

The last year especially, I think that there were conversation about why I do what I do and how my nationality is involved in that. I'd be the first to acknowledge certain traits in me, not particularly beneficial in "kingdom" culture, were nursed from meritocracy.

And what is wrong, I'll - with the grace of God - reverse and replace with His goodness. But I'm really just quite sorted with all such talk. I know God has a plan for me - That within His infinite good plan, I was born in Singapore and now live in Malaysia and in the future, may live in either country or somewhere else.

I know not where. But I choose to be at peace with You. You own the world, and You are my Dad.

So all my days past has a reason and I'm not going to be sorry about that. God has my back, my present and my future. And in this year, where I will turn 30, I remain a child learning not to be distracted by what the world and people proffer.

I just want to sing for You, like nothing else matters, like nothing else matters.
Just want to sing for You, my Lord.

I love You, Dad.

10:33.

The process of rebuilding is ongoing.

All, or definitely most or what feels like a lot of that can be destroyed, have been destroyed. And sitting in the middle of the ash and debris, I close my eyes and imagine what it's like to sit at Your right hand and look at all of these, all of our worlds, all of this earth.

And I try, weak but strong, broken but whole, bowed down but standing proud to muster the will and faith that turns this broken reed to the reality of a princess warrior secure in identity and destiny.

And as You helped me realise the names of those bricks and stones that now lay fallen, I ask You for grace to confront similar situations differently - the way I did before the wall went up or the foxes came in... only now, with additional wisdom. I pray, hope and believe. Not in my ability but in Yours.

I'm loved.

14:37.

If Jesus could sit and weep with Mary & Martha for Lazarus when He was going to raise him up any way, why don't we do the same for those who need someone to weep with? Not preach at them, not even start thinking for solutions for them but just to sit. And weep and share the heart of God through that.

11:43.

It's Aug in the year 2010, 29 years since God placed me here on earth and I'll be hard pressed to remember the last time the furnace felt this hot.

Oh, I can remember occasions - year of '99, 1st year in poly, still in honeymoon with my Lord and all excited about the Spirit's gifts and the arguments and doubts my coursemates have about all of that. Was in a desert for a while then, when all the voices and my foolish heart got in the way of Us.

Funny how school was the trigger point - there was that period in '04 when I was taking philosophy with an anti-Jesus lecturer who was intellectually too strong for me to debate, all those circular arguments about free will and yet through that, You taught me faith.

Some part of me can't believe this furnace/ desert is happening now.

Now in 2010, me in a full time position working for the church I love. Oh Lord, I've not felt the heat this strong for as far as I remember but I'll hold on to your Truth that I'll never be tempted beyond what I can bear.

I've not felt as stripped bare as now, almost helpless, this numbness, but I'll come, over and over again, just as I am dependent on Your Grace, desperate for Your touch, convicted of Your Goodness.

You are my Author. And You know my story and it will not just have a good ending, it will be great chapters all the way through.

I cling to You.

Cling, when I have no more strength in the natural. Cling, when the questions overwhelm. Cling, when my heart swells to the point of bursting. I cling to You.

Pull away the lies, my Lord. Pull away the enemy's devious whispers and hidden cloaks. Pull them away from my mind, my heart, my soul and spirit.

I just want to sit with You and let the world go still.

Help, my Lord, You who are my rewarder and my protector.

Lift up my head, strengthen this reed, stop me from running into what my eyes can't see.

Still my anxious thoughts, Dad. Wrap me up, won't you please, with all of You.

I just want You.

Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. ¹⁴ The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." - Exodus 14:13-14

10:54.

There r days when i just want to sit in my mom's kitchen, read a marvel comic and have a bowl of bak chor mee with extra chilli and vinegar.

Not that any thing went wrong or that it's a bad day. Just that those days when I did that were well, good.

Maybe it's just that I've not been back since Feb and don't know when next I'll go back.

Maybe it's the impending rounding up of 29 years.

Or just the innocent simplicity of those days.

Sojourner, sojourner. Lord, help me please to really get this - that this world is not my home.

20.37.

I used to think oh my, I hope my blog archives never get deleted or all those chronicles of days that would never return will be gone with the wind, and the fading capacity to remember everything.

I still think it'd be awful if that ever happened but hey, look, my last blog was a year ago.

I used to write every single day - Be it journalling, blogging or well, reporting for work. Emails and chats do not qualify, of course.

Some preacher said that time goes faster the older you get. It's a fact. And we are not even parents yet. Dear God, help us make time for everything, amen.

It's always reassuring knowing your God has the whole world in His hands and understand all those quantum physics and what nots and your world is firmly held close to His heart :)

I love Jesus.

Today has been a laid back day, just the two of us, taking it slow and catching up on rest and "us" time. Last night, we had our first Kingdom Uni event, Welcome Party.

It's probably the best service I've been to for a while.

Of course I believe that God can be in every type of service and worship is possible everywhere but frankly, when everyone's praising and worshiping outside of their comfort zone, when church is rather sweaty and kinda loud esp at during the preaching, I feel SO at home and incredibly spot on where I'm supposed to be.

We started with dinner and moved on to games before praise and worship. During the games part, I stayed outside to do a quick clean up so that after service, we could pop off for the KL tour without thinking of those stuff. At one point, I literally felt drawn to run in to witness what's going on.

"Witness" - That's the right term, it wasn't just to watch or to see but oh, my heart was drawn and I ran it to witness the service.

Praise was going off the roof, everyone was in the front, no one seated and then Ray went up for the welcome and I felt tears well up and this sense of amazing happiness. Finally, we are doing a youth service. I was smiling ear to ear as I slipped out to put the broom away.

The rest of the night was awesome.

It was the first time in church that I see our African sisters standing up and dancing in agreement during the preaching. And our own home guys and girls were awesome too.

Something shifted last night. And I celebrate it, celebrate You and how contagious and lovely You are, Lord. But dear Lord, ready us, ready us to stand firm and see far. It's time to run, I know and Father, we can only do it with You leading us every single step.

We've never been here before but we trust You and ask to know You more that we can lead your people to more.

Skye C h u a h no longer really exist. No personal agenda, no dedication to "me". If I never became a pastor, it's okay, if I go back to corporate, it's okay too as long as all I do is simply within Your Perfect Plan. 'cause the call is not to full time or to "calling", the call is simply to Jesus and I want to know Jesus and bring Him to everywhere He positions me.

Dear sweet Jesus, here we are. We decrease, You increase and oh, bring Your reality to all that You lead us into.

I love You, Lord. For eternity. You are my God.

Love,
Yours

21:27.

Acceleration. Rollercoaster of Faith. Strengthen yourself in the Lord. God is pleased with your faith.

God is good and I'm just going to keep getting to know His goodness ever more.

Kingdom City.

I'm here, Lord. Take me as You want me. I'll do as You lead.

Thank You so for such a lovely hubby :)

I'm staying tight with ya.

Where is my home?
National songs.
Poets n poems.
Lyrical tomes.

Memories maker.
Venue settings.
When above all is
a home I've not yet seen.

Ironic oxymoron.
In age and time
we craft and cry.
Here n there,
everywhere we bend
where is the heart
but pulled astern.

One day that mansion with many rooms.
One day a heart not deterred by the view.
One day not a thought even given to this.
One day.

Last night, Ps Danny Gug was in church and he preached a msg that got me tearing up in so many places. It's incredible how God uses you when you are open about your brokenness. We don't have it together, I don't have it all together, but when I'm not trying to be someone else 'cause of that, well, God can employ me in this Kingdom.

At one point, he talked about there being a diff bwt "sent" and "went" as he shared how he was called into ministry. I teared up at the encouragement of his story and just the warmness of how I was not alone, I suppose.

There was a description that really got to me - how "friends and family just didn't have the time to contact" them after they move and "so there were times when it was very lonely".

There was no bitterness in the comment, just candor. No anger or malice or wrong motivation.

Nor is there in my identifying with the reality of that observation.

But see, I've positioned myself where only God can catch me, where only He can satisfy, where only He makes the most sense, where only He is my true reward and prize and all else are but side players in this race I run.

I've been sent. And there's no way to live except that of the sold out, God-fearing, obeying, living warrior daughter.

And in this new season where You remain, ever more keenly, my chief teacher, dearest Lord, I choose to pursue You in a new way and ask for the everything to do so.

Jesus, I'm Yours. No one's else, no object or man or purpose else will I serve. Just You. Just You.

22:49.

We brought Truffles on the 13th, a Monday and she was almost like an anniversary gift for us. White of coat but black of ears and eyeliner-ed, she was a joyful introduction to pet keeping. Despite the cleaning her butt and litter and her vigorous eating habits, she was an active, intelligent rabbit. Was apparently 8 weeks old when we got her so she would have been 9 weeks this week.

When we got home, she would hop about the cage near the side closest to us. Maybe she wanted food but I like to think she was welcoming us :)

When we stood at the kitchen and looked down at her cage from the wall window, she learnt to look up quizzedly.

First time I fed her hay, she took it immediately and munched so happily and excitedly at it.

She was learning to pee at the litter box, not in the cage.

When we put a finger or thumb on her little head, she would lay down, expectantly, to be stroked. Sometimes, she would spread her paws outwards and just look relaxed as a rug.

When we got home just now at about 10 past 6, earliest possibly we have been home from work before, we found her lying on her side in an awkward position, eyes tightly close.

I didn't dare touch her but Ray said she was already a bit cold and she was definitely stiff.

Cried over it just now and reconciling how strange it is that that little bundle of life is now no longer in the corner of our living room.

We even talked about who would take care of her when I'm away for women's retreat or when we are away on hols but all that's moot now.

And of course, I ask why. That's how my head is wired. But I know God is good and He is faithful and all things one day will be answered. If any thing, I learnt to love and give and I hope that little animal enjoyed the last 10 days she was with us.

Never had a pet before this.

So strange knowing she cannot be replaced 'cause she is a unique living creature.

My God knows even when a sparrow falls to the ground so I know He knows what happened to Truffles and allowed it and if my God saw it fit to happen, I'll trust in His character and know that all is still good.

RIP, Truffles. You were a great bunny.

17:33.

God is good. So good. Always good.

We were just chatting this afternoon about some financial stuff and deciding which bill to pay with the few hundred we have. Then, just now, I felt an urge to check my online banking and whoa, my account balance was way way way way higher than it was.

The EPF money from the closing of my account got processed and banked in within 3 weeks instead of the 4-6 weeks we were told.

So now, there is more than enough. Again, at just the right time.

God is great :)

14:11.

Fire, fall down.

Come as a rushing wind, searing hearts and minds, freeing spirits and identity, irrevocably changing lives.

Oh, Lord, we cry, Fire fall down.

Oh Lord, we cry, Fire fall down.

Break Out will be a rush of wind, a burning coal, an instrument for Your Hands to move. Dearest Spirit, we cry fire fall down.

0055.

Dear, dear Lord, I need You more each day now so much more than I did.

So much more Lord.

I don't want to do things, any thing, on my own.

I need You in all things, every area, every matter.

You are my wisdom. You are my joy. You are my pride. You are my hope, my delight, my king and prince, my every thing.

Dearest Lord, I need thee every hour.

So much more than before.

Pour Yourself out on me, my Lord. Pour out the grace, the anointing, the wisdom, the love, Your heart, divine focus, You.

Dearest, dearest Lord, I love You. I love You. I love You.

1150.

There are times when I still stop and suddenly be still, and wonder how I got here.

"Here" means many things - Being out of my country, being out of the journalism career my teenage self was so set upon and now being out of the corporate world and going into church full-time.

"Here" also means the unstoppable turn of time 'n tide bringing me to 28 years old in 2 months time. It also means being happily married with a most lovely lad. It also means having our own cosy apartment and a car, all these very adult-like accessories if one could call it that.

I wonder at how it has been 17 years, Dad, since I said my life is a blank cheque for you.

12 years since I came back to you. 10 years since I sung nothing compares to the promise I have in you and meant it with all I am and all I know.

Dearest God, I mean it still now, as You know.

It's May 15 2009. The year has galloped along at a pretty trot. And there are times when I look at the to-be-done list and allow all that I do not know how to do disturb the peace You have given me. But nothing compares, nothing, nothing, nothing compares to this great adventure You have masterminded and are on together with me, with us.

Just as I am. Walking along with my Jesus.

I love You, Lord.

Amen.

22:14.

It's funny how emotions carry humans so easily - Even now, seeing American Idol's judging section very oft makes me tear up slightly. Seeing someone's valiant attempt not to cry, someone's dream shatter, someone grieving for that someone, well, it all still get to me.

I'm sitting at our glass dining table with metal legs, Jamie Oliver's Naked Chef (oh, so young he looks and look! he's taking the mint from the fridge, not the garden!) is going on AFC and I'm waiting for a work email to come in, about to start tweaking a design thing for church, and waiting for my love to come home.

Today's his farewell dinner thang with his colleagues. Yesh, tomorrow is his last day at work.

Wow, we are so close now to this jump up I almost want to be freaked out.

"Jump up" 'cause that's how it feels, like we are leaping, not off a cliff or even out of a boat but just jumping up with arms open to be caught. Like a little girl charging towards her daddy's arms and bouncing right onto him, knowing she won't fall.

Lord, You are my God.
Oh Lord, You are my God.

My last day of work is next Thursday. My dept farewell is on Tuesday. That feels a bit strange - Nothing exceptional happening on the last day itself.

Friday, I'll sleep in, embrace a bit of doing nothing for a bit so I can let it all sink in that I'm no longer with Maccas. Then no doubt the work bug will kick in and I'll get some cleaning/ packing and random errands done.

Sat, we have combined uni LG.

Sun, we need to figure out how we go church and fly off that night itself to Melbourne for 13 days then come back, rest for a good week and prob go back to Sg for another week before coming back, hopefully with my parents.

We have a 3days 2 night penang hotel voucher we can redeem if we go up too :)

Am I excited? Yes, I am. But more than being carried by this, I need, Lord, to be carried by You.
You who created me fearfully and wonderfully, who knows what makes me tick and makes my emotions run, who knows what I need and what I want and what good or bad they do me, who knows my dreams, my hopes, my future, who knows the frazzled juggling act that I feel I'm doing in this last week, who knows the good that You will do through me even in this week.

Dear Lord, I don't want to do any thing except hold you tight, squeeze you at your knees; a little girl sitting on the ground just wanting to be close to her Dad.

I love You, Lord and I entrust all of these and all close in my heart to You.

I trust You, love You, want You. More.

Amen.

1419.

There are times when I do just stop and mentally float somewhere away from the organised tasks I'm at. I'm standing at the edge of a big step whose distance of leap changes and morphs along with my inner world.

The trappings of the world are a-falling.
Akin to the free fall the leap results
And me, I'm just a-following
To the beat of His heart in mine

Intertwined
Tied up tight
All around
and mashed up right

My beloved is mine
and I'm His
His banner over me?
It's love.

How did it come that I'm almost 28.
Quitting the corporate.
Running The race.

How did it come that Your Grace's so near?
Each n every step
Holding me here.

Away from the past.
Not hooked up in the future.
Just here with Omnipresence.

You and I. Just You and I.
Divine.

13:39.

Thank God for this cosy home in Damansara Perdana. Even when it's warm outside, a strong steady breeze is mostly present. It's quiet. Peaceful. And on days like these when I'm at home from work 'cause I'm just not 100% well, this cosy love nest sooths my soul and body and lulls me into a peace that I need.

It's Feb 12 2009. Where did the new year go?

I feel busy way too often and need to burrow myself somewhere to have good stablising quiet time with my Creator.

Take my heart, take my head, take my thoughts and take my dime. Jesus, all for You. Help me live. All for You.

23:53.

I can't wait to end this season, despite the fear and trembling abt the stepping out. But oh help me God when I jump off this ledge, eyes shut tightly yet seeing clearly and arms outstretched to fall in Yours...

Make this life a prayer to you, a song sung loud, a twirl of dance. Eyes fully focused, perspective totally tuned, it's all about You.

It's all about You.