16:20.

Will these questions be with me all my life, sometimes haunting me; when I am weak, kicking me; at times simply driving me.

I have taken to videotaping my life here. Not continuously, of course - as in life doesn't already feel too 1984 some times - but just during the regular stuff... church, school, walks, OCF.

Got an email regarding graduation this week. I have to submit some application and let the uni folks know where I want to graduate and stuff like that. For the life of me, I have no freakin' idea. Of course I don't. I have no idea where I will be. I have no idea when I am leaving Melbourne. I have no idea how it's all going to work out.

I know it will all work out and I just have to trust now and keep walking, and that it is all right to feel up in the air but - that is my problem, that I feel a "But". Not that I even know what it is logically.

My head spins, I realise more than ever the need to study the tenets of my faith, more than ever I want to articulate every aspect of this faith in a clear coherent intelligent manner. I want to be able to paint it with words, even as I desperately want to paint it with my life.

I am scared. There, I said it. I am scared of being cynical again. I am scared I will be facing that "is this all there is?" again even though I do know there is pleasure and beauty and service in the common things. This is one of those questions that has marked me. One of those that seemed to already be part of me.

I am scared. Scared that after going back to Singapore, the difference in lifestyle might mean a certain detachness again. It won't be leaving God, it won't be letting go of faith but I am afraid of being average. I don't want to be lukewarm. I don't want to be immersed in salt, feeling like a dead piece of meat floating on the dead sea.

And I am losing my words and running on emotions here. And I am completely aware I cannot force it and try to stay here either. You got to run with arms wide open, and hands open and not clenched. You can't hold on to time.

What do you want to say, girl. I don't know.

This semester, I met a coursemate who was from Mass Comm too. Never knew her then, she's a year my junior. I was and am glad for company and that familiarity that unravels once we identify each other's alma mater. It's not unfamiliar having friends who find their life in drugs, alcohol and getting laid and I enjoy their company still and do not condemn them. Yet sometimes, in utter unreasonable manner, I feel some sort of frustration, as if she reminds me of a world I don't particularly want again.

Media speak, slang, attitude. You can always identify your own kind. And it's not that I hate the industry, very darn far from it. And I know even while in it, I am not completely part of it (Perpetual question II - Am I always to be the different one?). But I don't know. I keep thinking, I don't want to live that life.

I don't know. Maybe she is representative of a world where I feel decidedly helpless at times, a world when I have to network and mingle, do the PR and project the right image. A world where I have to find a place to scream. Scream.

Scream.

I don't know. Do you? I really don't.

And for a moment, I felt like smashing the TV.

Let go, girl. Let go.