17:29.

Aloneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Heh *winks at Germie*

As Frankistein puts it, "Aloneeee! No goooodddd! Friendssss! Gooooood!"

lol.

Just random thoughts, folks.

Am drugged up on various flu medication and still feeling rather sick despite the whole afternoon of sleep. And my mind was going on and on about work too, arranging my schedule and such, I'm thankful that the medication conked me out fast enough before I started making calls to newsmakers and all.

Any way, I love God, God loves me, I love R a y, R a y loves me, I'm a happy girl. Though I certainly wish I am not ill. The bed again beckons, I shall stop rambling. La la la la la.

Boo! :)

19:53.

"It was said this man was of no reputation
Yet He could stop the rising storm
With a gesture of His hand
But He chose to use His hands to heal
Hearts of darkness, hearts of stone
Just like mine would be revealed

He was a man of no reputation
And by the wise, considered a fool
When He spoke about faith and forgiveness
In a time when the strongest arms ruled

But this man of no reputation
Loved the weak with relentless affection
And He loved all those poor in spirit just as they were
He was a man of no reputation

It was said this man brought only confusion
That He'd achieve his ends by any means
And the truth that it brings revolution
And for once they were right
The truth set us free

The hearts of the captive were his only concern
And the powerful knew their days were ending

He was a man of no reputation
And by the wise, considered a fool
When He spoke about faith and forgiveness
In a time when the strongest arms ruled

But this man of no reputation
Loved the weak with relentless affection
And He loved all those poor in spirit just as they were
He was a man of no reputation

One day soon the gates of heaven will open wide
And the Prince of Peace will come back for His bride
But for now we live on these streets
Forbidding and tough

Where push always comes to shove
And it's said love's never enough
Where a prophet in rags gives hope to a fearful world
No injustice, no heart of darkness
Will keep this voice from being heard

He was a man of no reputation
And by the wise, considered a fool
When He spoke about faith and forgiveness
In a time when the strongest arms ruled

But this man of no reputation
Loves us all with relentless affection
And He loves all those poor in spirit, come as you are
To the man of no reputation"

- Man Of No Reputation, Rich Mullins

And it was like I could not stop myself from crying.
Start stop. Start stop.
Again, Lord, again.
Nothing else matters except You.
And no one can pull me through this except You.
Because You are, I can.
I. can. do. all. things. through. Christ. who. strengthens. me.
With Christ in the vessel, I can smile at the storm.


"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." - 2 Cor 4:8 - 10


I wish I have the ability to express truly how every thing is for me; I can't. It's not all gloom and blah, no sir. But yes, sometimes it really feels like I am the cut down in Kill Bill Vol 1's Jap house scene; one of the fallen, cut limb spewing blood and me writhing on the wooden floor.


Then, me being me, I look at the stump and laugh at the ludicrous scene.


See, the pain is real. And the truth is only God knows. But the truth too is this - My God can breathe life into dead and dry bones. He can rise the dead. And indeed, even as I bleed, I know He can stop the fount of my pain with the fount of every blessing.


I'm walking on in my Jesus. I know who I am in You.


And I remain thankful.


'cause You are.


And that means I am, and can indeed do all things through You.


I love You, Lord.

16:03.

What's next for Israel?

19:18.

"My God, how wonderful You Are!
How beautiful Your Name!
With open arms I run into Your courts
I dance before You, King of ALL the earth"

- Great And Mighty

You are sooooooooooo beautiful! My God and Lord, my Jesus, my Saviour, Lord, You are so gorgeous, amazing, so awesome, so great, so mighty.

And I'm so in love with You.

Oh God, You are my God and I'll ever praise You. Oh God, You are my God and You are my first thing and first Love. Forever, for an eternity, for all of time, You are.

"More than any thing
more than any one
more than life itself
I love You Jesus
more than any thing"

And Dad, that will never change. Let that never ever change.

"...I’d surely rather be found dead, than to love [anyone] more than the one who saved my soul"

- Pledge My Head To Heaven, Keith Green

You are my one thing. Better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere. Take the world but give me Jesus.

Jesus, I'm Yours.

15:30.

Gendercide.

I believe that as Christians, it is innately part of our faith and being to not perpetuate prejudice and gender prejudice - among Christians especially - is something that gets me worked up.

Don't do it.

17:43.

"I will
love the Lord with all my heart

I will love the Lord
with all my soul

I will love the Lord with all my mind

I will love
the Lord with all my
strength

Lord, I love You
For all the things You Are

Lord, I love You
For all the things You do

Lord, I love You
Help me love You more
With all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind."

- Old song

17:45.

Anne Rice turns to God.

Sec 3, history class, me.

Sat at the 2nd row of the 2nd row, an Anne Rice novel tucked in the little enclave beneath the desktop, me unable to put down the book even as the History teacher paced around excitedly telling us about the turn in events historically.

I eventually got caught and was asked to stop. He didn't ask me to stop reading. He was specific - "Stop reading that Anne Rice novel".

It was hard.

I had written essays about vampires, read many books about them and given this subject more attention than the average person, I reckon.

What drawn me into the Anne Rice books were simple - That existential angst and thrist for life, the idea of an eternity (though fairly tormented) to consume every knowledge, art and information I could about history, arts and so on. The idea of being on the outside looking in resonated too.

1997 - After one of the days of Joshua 21 conference (a youth conference focused on missions), I came home, went to my room, gathered the Anne Rice novels, went out to the living room, unlocked the front gate and went to dump the books down the chute.

The main content I object to in the Rice novels remain these - lust, and perhaps the notion of playing God (which is one accusation against the characters).

But see, I was very drawn to the searching. That same searching the characters were depicted to have.

Thank God - For me, I have redemption, I have salvation, I have answers. It is not my (or anyone's) lot to live a life damned for the non existence of a answer and saviour.

Give that a second of that - it is hell. Hell beyond my imagination. Hell so painful it is impossible to live and yet death offers no consolation.

But I read that article to the link up there and was glad.

Came across it accidentally while searching for a work related article. Got pleasantly diverted and distracted.

I reserve comments about the book though. I have not read it, and won't know whether I will buy it. I do reckon I will pick it up at the bookstore to have a browse through before I decide though.

Any how, just thought you all may like to read that piece too :)

18:05.

Pill culture? Interesting article.

17:28.

A colleague's playing Madonna's new album on his desktop; some record label folks are nearby at another desk chatting; a trio of sec school students are at another corner - here on a shadowing programme to observe and learn; the eds are at their evening meeting at the conference table, deciding and briefing each other on stories avail for tomw's edition.

I read this yesterday and was struck by the coherence. It's just a blog that acted as a journal, a requirement for a course I took last year, and though entries are merely thoughts, something about them talked to me about structure and coherence.

That last is not always very evident in my mind processes now and then, on days like today, I guess. *shrugs* *smiles* That will pass though, I do need to get more reading material to keep the grey matter satisfied though.

And oh man, Madonna's new album really sounds bad to me.

I really don't like dance music.

Because I live in a concrete jungle....

15:09.

"Long, long time ago, I can still remember
how that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance,
I could make those people dance
and maybe they'll be happy for a while.
But February made me shiver
with every paper I delivered
Bad news on the door step,
I couldn't take one more step.
I can't remember if I cried
when I read about his widowed bride...
but something touched me deep inside
the day the music died."

- American Pie, Don McLean

24 years. It has been a while since I first cried.

We are mid-ankle and deeper into another November now. On quiet days like these, blessed loneness in the home, you just want to sit and feel time move by. They kind of dance sometimes, one of those graceful fairy type of boho whirl, as they keep moving on.

You sit there, knee deep in thoughts, enjoying the comfort of life and focus not on any one thing running around in your head or heart.

24 years is a long time.

More than 10 years after the existential bug struck, a quiet little tall girl has grown up. Everything physical have caught up to the mental exercises and thought trains long used to choo choo-ing through the convoluted mind of that girl-next-door.

"My, how you have grown. It's been a... little while."

- In a Little While, U2

Numerous things still confound me. And then, there are the things that drive me crazy. Things like stupid prejudice, like racisim, like ignorance, like bigots, like those who actually really believe the world exists to serve them, stupid social classes, stupid things the very institution and existence of money causes, games people play, how twisted society can be and have become in many aspects, how I partake too sometimes. Stupid system. Stupid insecurity that makes people act like baboons on speed. Doofus.

I would like to protect everyone I love from every thing wrong I see, every thing vile and crude and evil, that harms and spoils and destroys.

Not that I can, and not that that stops me trying or wishing sometimes. Yet, God is in charge and what I can't, I know He can. Thank God....

Thank God for Him. Thank God for saving me from the miry clay. Thank God for loving me and making me right with Almighty.

"Where would I be if You have not been by my side?
How could I rise to meet the morning of the day?"
- Don Moen

What to say? There's a keen sense of the existential in the air surrounding me. A keen awareness I am in something bigger than I know and I am not in control. I wait, I pray, I wait some more.

What has happened this past year?

The sweet miracle of ray and me.

The rejoining the journo world.

The bitchiness, slamming, ego matches played out alongside the gorgeousness of music reporting plus the unexpected shift to being more a lifestyle journo instead of news these days.

The maturing... man, I grew older this year, didn't I? Learnt so much.

I sat down with my journal and chronicled what I've learnt. The points just increased and increased as I filled the pages and picked up the pen again and again when the Word reminded me of yet another blessing, another lesson, another revelation.

Am going to post some up one day, methinks, not now 'cause the reflection is ongoing but it has been awesome.

Are we already at the end of 2005?

*breathes out*

:)

I love You, Lord.

14:43.

Ruminations
(while on the final lap)

Like a woman with child, we have faith that every symptom we feel now points to a birth that is on its way. We put up with nausea, dizzy spells, swollen feet, bloated faces, water rentention, loss and gain of appetite, hormonal changes, how our actual body morphs... because we believe that we are carrying something that's growing and coming to completion within. That within the concave of our being (or if in keeping with the parable of the pregnant woman, her belly), we believe there's the fruit of what's to come. When it's due.

So like the pregnant woman in the Bible who forgets the pain of the childbirth when she holds her newborn in her arms, Dad, we fully expect that the coming fruit we see and receive will be so awe inspiring that the pain of getting there becomes insignificant.

A woman with child doesn't doubt that she carries a new life within and that it is a new life that will be born forth when it comes to the end of her term.

So it is. With every part of our beings, this feels the same.

Our time has to come. At the end of the term of wrestling and struggling, the beginning of a new life, of the fruit of what we have sown... is coming.

It's irrefutable.

Dad, You got to come through for us.

We trust You, love You and honour You.

You rock.

16:27.





50





That's how many days till I see the best guy in the known galaxy again.

Feel free to fill in the blanks with your own boyfriend's/ spouse's/ crush's name, fair 'nuff.

But *grin* as for me, I meant my man, r a y c h u a h.

heh.

143 days since we became a couple. over 4 and a half months. when we finally meet again on Christmas eve, it would be over 6 months since a formal "us" existed.

I can't wait.

How we run the race now will affect how we enter into our next lap, our next chapter, the next phase. We are being prepared to take a land. This last lap, I want to sprint, I want to speed, I want to run harder than even how I have so far. I want us to give it our best shot.

'cause you deserve the best.

'cause I deserve the best.

'cause our God is so mind blowingly amazing we want to give all we have for Him.

50.

It's the second last month of 2005.

So much has happened, wow, there's a deja vu when I think back to this time last year.

Were we not boo-ing at the end of Urban Life 2005 too? Was I not telling Dad to take me whichever country He will, the same way your heartcry was and is? We were going to God as individuals about how we feel for each other. Now, we tell Him and each other how we are in love every day :)

This November, we will prepare, we will tie up any loose ends we need to at our sides of the world and in our lives, we will hold on, we will sprint.

And 50 days later, we will be together again.