23:05.

It's 55 minutes to the new year and here I am.

It has been a great week and counting - Just being here, being away from work, just being with r a y and doing all the couple-ish things we have not been able to. First time back in church last Sun was a tear-fest for me and though it was at Melb Town Hall which I've never been to before, it felt completely right and an easy fit.

Just like how the rest of things have been really. It might be a generalisation if I were to say that it felt like I have never been away, but there has been a certain smooth groove to living here.

Guess it felt like those last two months (last Dec and this Jan), post-uni and just enjoying the luxury of time and meeting up with friends and hanging around every day.

The last hour of 2005 and I choose to sit here alone to think.

[r a y - who I persuaded to allow me to walk home alone just now from qv - and the rest of church folks are walking over in a short while to catch the fireworks together on the roofdeck. think i worried him insisting on coming back alone, didn't want him to miss any thing.]

I need to. This is not just a holiday. Like how this (almost) past year has been, there are stuff to be learnt this trip.

Rubber soul or wooden heart I don't possess so well, I do get broken and bent and scratched.

It is a tradition since my early teens to spend time alone when one year passes into the next. Last year, I didn't had my usual quiet time, nope, but last year, we (ray, me, ken then vonnie and liz too) were at my home and we worshipped with voices, guitar and drums and my thoughts and me took some time out on the balcony overlooking Victoria Street and Elizabeth Street.

That place is no longer home.

Aah. I no longer have a home here. It's something that took me long to acknowledge and I guess I had to when I sneaked back on that day with my love and we stood in the middle of an empty living room. Little things left behind by housemates I have not lived with for over a year were familiar - that dish cloth, the non stick pans, the pens and markers and fridge magnets in a bowl, the rubber gloves tucked behind the laundry section door.

Stuff.

You know, stuff.

On the walk back just now on the crowded streets, a clear thought articulated this with a slight dash of defiance: "I should be able to walk alone at home and feel safe."

How did the heart and mind see it fitting to come up consistently with the term home? And how do here feel different and same and yet be known still as that?

Like last year, the struggles of feeling like having two homes are still present and this year, a third possibility has been added.

And all that you can't leave behind are always around and the stretching continues; it has gone on so 'nuff this year there are moments where flopping onto a couch and crying some rivers in hope that water sooths pain are reality.

Last year, in about 10 minutes time, I was running or rather trotting across to bouverie close from my place so we could catch the fireworks. In about five minutes, I'll be going up to the roof deck too. Same place, at least two similar persons, three including me, four including Omnipresence.

Everything changed. Some for immense good, others by faith I believe are good, and with all that is, I commit to practical again the lesson of walking on.

There's no other way. And my God is big. Big enough even for rubber souls, wooden hearts and all that are in between.

Godspeed Your answer, Dad.

And everyone else, happy new year.

17:53. Melb time :)

And the sun is still a-shining away.

It's good, all's good. It has been a great five days and there are many more great days to go :) Am much happy and contented. Been shopping, my poor baby has been amazing :) And lurve lurve lurve is in the air.

Oops, if I sound slightly high, I blame that tall glass of iced choc I had just now.

And can somebody concur with me, please that Dolce's Roche gelati rocks every pair of socks in the known universe. Or at least, it should.

All's good, people, will post again when I can.

[Shopping "fruits" so far - Revival retro tote bag, Dangerfield wrist cuff, Penguin retro polo tee from The Basement, Accessories earrings, shawl and bracelet, Billabong gym/ carry on bag, Cotton On sashay skirt, Jay Jay miltary jacket and strappy top, Jeans West aviator shades and Dotti sash belt]

And a short note on Narnia, which we watched (first movie we watched together as a couple) on Tuesday - That scene where the four kids enter the palace and walk towards the four thrones prepared for them? I couldn't help tearing again, especially at Edmund's face.

I could identify with that glee, excitement, bafflement and joy.

You see, you and me both, we screwed up heaps of times. We sold God out for candy too often, for tea and sympathy but God still tells us we are his kids, and He is willing (and has done so already) to die for us that we may live. And not just live, but live as kings and queens, as royalty , as a holy people dearly loved and highly treasured.

I am so thankful.

And that's how I want to start this new year - In thankfulness and joy, knowing I am hey hey hey, royalty and highly favoured, called with a purpose, that I am my Beloved and He is mine, that I'm wanted and loved and have a future, that all the bad things I have done before are washed clean, pure white by His blood.

Jesus Christ, You are my God, You are my King, You are my Lord.

Praise the Lord :)

14:26.

*exhales*

Whewww.....

Thank God for today's Off In Lieu. I'm more or less packed. More or less being that the remaining stuff can't be packed until I'm done with them later when I get myself ready to go. But basically, all's done and neat and tidy.

Woke up at 10am, had a po lo bao :) and my last bag of intense black tea. Did my packing. Have just been enjoying spending time with mom. Family's so dear. Had lunch just now, fishball noodles dry with lots of chili, and here I am now, trying to pass the time a bit I reckon.

Would leave the house at about 6pm or maybe earlier to accomodate cab-waiting time. It won't be the best of times to hail cabs since it's rush hour but I reckon we will take the chance. Flight QF10 leaves at 815pm and lands at Tullamarine at 0620 Dec 24. I hope I can use my BA on-flight shopping vouchers.

*breathes in, breathes out*

:)

It's a rainy day in Sg, direct contrast to what weather.com is saying about Melb today.

The quiet excitement is running through my bones, veins and mind.

Thank You, God. Thank You that we are finally here, on the threshold of being together again. Love You, Dad. LOVE You :)

For all that You have done, all that You are doing and all that You are going to do.

Christmas is near. Remember Jesus.

And I'm going to go ingest some fruits and more marvel comics. Then read the Word and get some time in with my God. Then get ready.

....

Be still my heart, be still.

Aack!

*HUGGGGS*

18:08.

Know something? :)

It says 1 day 12 hour 13 min 23 sec on my desktop countdown timer now.

Aaaah!

21:01.

There is something still very very nice about nightfall and nighttime in Sg. Balmy wind, a world finally at ease and peace after the day's shenanigans and toil, and light that's gentle, not in your face.

And dining ahem, alfresco and having zi zha (prob wrong pinyin here) with people you love... good stuff. And I never realised how cheap it is... $50 for 5-course dinner for five adults and two kiddies. Methinks tt's cheap.

And the fever and sore throat are on their way out. Praise God :) Back to work tomw!

18:44.

Decembers are always reflective months filled for me with many questions, attempts to bring coherence to the days past' and the life learnt.

[ Can you not squirm? The song in my head now plays Never Forget by Take That ;) ]

Journeys, paths, walks, sojourns, race. Whether nondescript or exhilarating, we all travelled some distance this year.

I'm... thankful.

Dad, You know how I felt thrown, crushed, stretched... all them things more than occasionally this year. And I know too how You have bought about gigantean bubbles of pure joy and tears from joy and gladness overflowing.

And You know too - as I do - that I'm Yours and will live for You evermore.

Thank You.

Thank You for helping me every single day, keeping my feet and heart going when I feel unable, for always holding me, for Your Word and promises, thank You for teaching me to believe more, to stand with faith on You, thank You for loving and caring enough to stretch me and train me. Thank You for assuring me, for teaching me, for helping me to be convicted I am called.

I know now more than ever who I am, what I want, what I have.

Last year this time, Dad, we battled with similar dilemmas, or at least I did. But I know I'm different now. Older, yes, more mature, yes. Battle weary? Nothing Your Rain can't cure. Tired? I'll just run to You.

The testing of passions seemed to be a strong thread through this year - Of writing and me, of roots and me, of my calling and me, of R a y (*huggs*) and me.

I want to be pure and holy.

I want to be pure gold.

The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, Lord, we want no chaff in our sacrifice.

Ideals have been tested even as my identity was moulded. I'll hold my head up high, my God calls me called and beautiful. My God calls me the apple of His eye. My God delights in me.

:)

How can one frown at that?

In just a little while, I will be blown away by the greatness of my God and Lord all over again. In just a little while, I want to touch Your Glory, dance in Your Rain of blessings and refreshment. In just a little while, we are soaring towards a higher plane.

There has been a lot more cost counting, and somehow, sitting in the furnace, your decisions get burned into your soul in a new way. It's great really 'cause the bad stuff that won't last also gets burned away even if you try to formulate them. I love it.

I have been back in Sg for 10 months and I have found I enjoy You where ever.

On Thursday during band pract, a thought bounced at me and loudly told me that I'm going to miss this (the pract, the people, the playing keys) even though I'm going to only be away from that for a month.

But see, who knows?

I don't, and that's part of the exhilaration of following God :)

I know He always watches my back and leads me on the right way, that His Spirit leads me on His path of greatness.

A few months back, while I was in the same position behind the keys, a different thought bounced at me ("bounced" describes their approach perfectly if you know what I mean) and quietly said you will leave this all for good one day.

Thoughts. I reckon when you have them and don't spend as much time on mediating on them, they are liable to jump you loudly in those moments some time when you don't expect. How lovely.

We have been prepared to get into the perfect take-off position.

And I can't wait for next year to get here.

ThankYou, thankYou, thankYou :)

I love You.

Identity. Calling. Counted cost. Furnaced. Writing. Perspective. Keys. Love. Humbled. Stronger. Hungrier. Everywhere I Go I See You. Faithful at all things. Faith. Speak out. Capacity to miss and love. Endurance. Guts. 351 days and counting.

Dad... You have made me so much stronger this past year.... thank You!

And Dad, for R a y... thank You. Words can't describe. We feel like the fulfilment of a promise, the fruits of honouring You in our love lives, a relationship better than I ever thought possible. This doesn't feel bgr, it feels like a different kind of Saul-on-the-road-to-Damascu experience with as much God and sparks and pure holy light and life changing power. Bye bye cynicism, hallo, soppiness. hah. No regrets, no looking back except to give thanks and smile dopeyly. Onwards to our eternity. I love you :>

And onto the God who is able to do all things, to Christ Jesus who love us who we love and honour and pledge our lives to, may 2006 be from glory to glory to glory to glory.

I am. happy. :)

Amen.

2142.

"Master, Saviour, my Creator
I love You
Words fail to convey
Please hear my heart say
I love You"

- song n prayer

20:48.

The sky changed on my way home.

From the glorious sunset lasting from the time I left work to when I walked against the commuters crush right to the end of Woodlands MRT platform so I could take a photo of the gorgeous colours above (I was duly amused when the station played their pls don't go near the edge warning when I reached my destination) to the cobalt sky as I walk home after dawdling around Causeway Point in search of something that my appetite could find fanciable 'nuff to when I was nearing my apartment block and the hues up above took on a reddish tinge.

Under the blood red sky.

The wind moves differently, feels as if it's from a special storeroom God has at the corner of heaven away from where its common cousin is kept. Not that heaven has limits.

You can feel in your bones that a storm's on its way.

And I can't wait for it to rain down.

-------------------------------------------------------------





7





... days.

Just one more week.

....

Whew.

You know that illustration of a runner keeping her eyes on the finishing line?

It's the last 100 metres.

The legs have long felt like they are going to fall off any moment and whatever other thoughts you have about them switches from pure numbness to a paranoia you fear may be grounded that one limb will just go into some spasm and fail you any random time.

Your eyes no longer feel the salty sting of perspiration dropping in but your vision's getting blurred by those droplets.

Your lungs, your waist, every joint hurts with every movement, every heave, every pant, every lifting of the feet, the thighs, the hamstrings, heck everything feels the effort, even your arms... you half wish you don't have them as they swing front-back, front-back in pumping mode.

You haven't heard the sounds of the spectators since very early on in the race. All you are aware of is the beat of your heart and the thump that resonates throughout your soul every time a foot lands.

It's the last 100 metres, that is all.

And all you can do is what you have been doing since a time you can't put a finger exactly on but you know the mantra long entrenched in your being - trust, obey, run on, girl - is true as it always has been. And at the last lap, the voice in your head saying almost there seemed almost flat because you have been running on push and hold on for well, a while.

But you are almost there, you are almost there, there is no giving up. Not these last seven days, not this year, not next year, not this lifetime, never.

God, more than us, You are. And I'm waiting on You to blow my mind. I'm not even waiting for 2006 to reach before You blow me away again. Lord, I want to see You!

I'm not stopping.

All I am for all You are.
All I have for all You are.

Jesus.

21:13.

10.

Before our one day.

Just 10, though even 10 just feels way too long.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was on the MRT on my way home just now. So was a group of five young teenagers. Colloquially so, they were sharing about what I hope is just a part-time job - door-to-door ice cream sales, where they have to lug big cool boxes around estates for a measly what, $20? a day if you sell enough load.

It's not even legal, I think though it's a grey area but whoever their bosses are, those shrewd types are really making modern day slave labour out of these 13/ 14-year-olds.

I remember interviewing runaway twin sisters two years back. One of them too made a living selling ice cream this way while she was on the run. That day, the two 14-year-olds let me into their world for just a bit just by answering my basic questions.

It perplexes me, shames me as a person so much better off and humbled me - Their world is all they know, a world where your mom's with someone else, where you can't talk to your dad about girly growing up needs, where you spend nights at some void deck with others latchkey kids like you, kids who you hang around with the neighbourhood shopping centres near your house instead of town, where your results suck and no one helps and you learn to embrace it as a badge of honour. You learn to embrace everything that makes you different as a shield and defence against the rest of the world.

But they were only kids.

I'm perplexed at the many worlds that exist in just my country (can someone please just call C r a z y Horse a stripping show instead of whatever high class pretenses it has? How stupid are all you big corporations and gov related agencies to embrace and support it as some proof of how open, liberal and creative you and we as a country are? Like baaaaaaaaaaaaaaa), neighbourhood, in just my block, in just my mind sometimes.

Yesterday, also on the MRT while on my way home, two kids - teenagers again, two young boys perhaps 15, were trading stories about exercise and such. They talked in a tone of one-uppity, you-did-such-and-such-yeah-me-too-you-know.... It's a familiar undertone in teenage voices. I remember I did that too - had a voice where your super boring life had to be broadcast in voices slightly exaggerated. Hearing them, or my teenage self - You would had thought we thought life is supposed to be a dramedy or sitcom.

But then, even adults do it. We are no wiser just by merit of age. Though when adults do it, I get even more perplexed.

Boy A (tanned, slightly chubby, spectacles, sports togs) suddenly started telling Boy B (who looks the same but spoke in less exaggerated tones) about a fishing experience.

"This uncle caught a lot of very big fishes *gestures size of fish*. You know why? Because he was using fishes to fish (he meant "bait"), live fishes, you know! Catfish! There was one that he kept throwing in and taking out because somehow no fish wanted to eat that one. And it was going to die already, you could see it, so he gave it to us. He said 'Aiyah, this one going to die soon. Give your lah'. We very cang ren ("cruel" in Mandarin) lah. We throw it against the ground, wah, the sound was so loud. Bang! We throw again, harder, hit its head against the ground. It was going to die but not dead yet. Then we tried again. Wah, the sound was so loud!"

And on he went about the demise of the poor fish. (And I really doubt that it was a catfish, I think that was the only breed that popped into his head then).

I was greatly perplexed by how cruelty and senselessness was trumpeted.

The way we humans try to find significance sometimes seem alike to animals peeing at a spot to mark their territory. Maybe it works for them animals. It's sad and unbelieveably disgusting to see humans do the same. It's not wrong to want significance, I think, but the way you go around doing it is sad.

Certain methods are plain stupid - the roots of racism and prejudice, social classes and probably more than a good half of all of society's ailments.

You think education is a cure and yes, education is good and should be freely available to all but that brings up the huge can of worms about the insanely inanely high costs of education. It's stupid.

It's stupid seeing grown adults thinking they are being adult and righteous through racist acts in Sydney (that includes the reverse racism attacks).

It's stupid reading how a Msian guy was reportedly murdered because he spoke English to ask some guys to back off from making cat calls at the girl he was out with.

It's stupid because I see all these educated folks, big shots in big companies and every where else all trying to mark their tuft by being defensive, self-promoting, "enemies" bashing and talking way too much about oneself.

It makes me sick.

Life is way too short to join the ranks unless it's in the army of God. Life is way too precious to dwindle at amazingly senseless insignificant things.

I'm perplexed, puzzled and have a headache with the thoughts and emotions going on in the head.

Don't leave a message in my guestbook to tell me all these are results of our fallen world. When people ask "why?", it doesn't always mean they don't know the answer. You can know the answer and still cry and wail "why??" because every thing inside of you knows, I know that this is NOT WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE.

There is more than this.

12:12.

Nothing changed, Lord, not this, never Our Love.

"I will lay down my life
for the cost of the cross
and I won't try to ignore
Your heart's cry is the lost
I will go if You say go
I will never let give it up
I will lay down my life
because You lay down Your life
because You lay down Your life
because You lay down Your life
to set me free"

- Planet Shakers

15:24.

From C.S. Lewis in Willing Slaves Of The Welfare State (1958)

"I believe a man is happier, and happy in a richer way, if he has the "freeborn mind". But I doubt whether he can have this without economic independence, which the new society is abolishing.

For economic independence allows an education not controlled by Government; and in adult life it is the man who needs, and asks, nothing of Government who can criticise its acts and snap his fingers at its ideology.

Read Montaigne; that's the voice of a man with his legs under his own table, eating the mutton and turnips raised on his own land.

Who will talk like that when the State is everyone' schoolmaster and employer?

Admittedly, when a man was untamed, such liberty belonged only to the few. I know. Hence the horrible suspicion that our only choice is between societies with few freemen and societies with none."

01:17.

Good night my love

00:04.

In the office being Sat rep for yesterday. Offstone (the time the paper goes to print) is at 1.14am. That will be the latest time I get off, unless something happens and we have to bust offstone. I hope not. The article I wrote over the evening has been cleared and should be going to the subs soon but the ed-in-chief asked to see it just now. He msged from his house. It has been a good evening. A productive one. God is very very gracious and very very good. It's the first time I'm Sat rep ever even though when you add up all the months from different stints, I've been working as a journo for over two years. As sat rep, you read the Chinese papers for any thing interesting to chase, handle the hotline calls and chase any breaking story that must be out for tomorrow's edition. Hmm, my story is still not laid yet. I think the ed-in-chief may be doing changes to get another related story run too for today. Came in yesterday at about 430pm, though the shift starts at 5pm, or well, technically, you could be activated to chase a story any time from Fri midnight. I felt slightly jumpy, or a lesser version of jumpy, when I went to bed last morning with my handphone next to me. Though I always sleep with my handphone next to me. Going to go home, cab it back once the duty editor says I can. Then I'd msg my poor dear boyfriend who I pray is having a good sleep now then he would wake up and call me (poor baby!) and we will chat (poor dear!) before we call it a night (for him, the second time). Then I will wake up at 7am and make sure I'm out of my door by 830am so I can reach church for band pract by 940am. And after church, I go to town by 2pm to celebrate an old-time friend's birthday. Oooh.

Melburnians, go support r a y c h u ah, planet uni's first intern and my most wonderful man at city church today! 6pm, rmit storey hall. he's graduating from church internship. bring poms poms. heh.

12:52.

For someone who has a fair streak of melancholy who is quite intense about life issues, this verse jumped out at me and conked me over the head. I must had read it before but somehow, it shouted today.

Ecclesiastes 9: 4 - 6
"Anyone who is among the living has hope —
even a live dog is better off than a dead lion!
For the living know that they will die,
but the dead know nothing;
they have no further reward,
and even the memory of them is forgotten.
Their love,
their hate
and their jealousy have long since vanished;
never again will they have a part in anything that happens under the sun."

18:26.

Hi there, beautiful, gorgeous, amazing folks who read my blog.

I have no idea who many of your are any more but no, I still mean every description in the greeting above :)

Are you in Melbourne?

Gorgeous!

What are you doing this Sunday?

Methinks you should trot along down to Planet Shakers City Church. They are meeting at RMIT's Storey Hall. There are two services - one at 345pm and the other at 6pm. But the one you should go to this week is the 6pm one.

Besides having a great time with GOD, you will also ta da! witness the graduation of an awesome man of God, R a y C h u a h who will officially complete his nine-month internship with the church.

It has been an awesome year.

To take up the internship and follow God's call when you are a fresh grad feeling unique pressures and expectations is "not easy", to express it simply and very inadequately.

I can't be there to scream, whoop, shout out very loud cheers, encouragement and total heartfelt pride; bop a bit while making my neighbours deaf; and turn paparazzi and news camera crew when planet uni's first intern goes up the stage, get his cert and get prayed for. I wish I can but I can't.

You, however can.

So go.

Being in the house of God and seeing His workers honoured is always a soul-moving time.

Go :)

17:45.

U2, U2.