19:55.

In: Office
Day: Tueday
Time: Night
Song in head: Still by Hillsong
Thoughts:

Some things in life you learn early - That time is a one-linear affair. That guilt you felt when your kiddy self broke a vase or kicked a soccer ball through a glass cabinet (that's me). The understanding of irreversability. Time travel intrigued and confused as well as bored (me) because of its unfamilarity and none-applicable nature to the life we led.

Some things in life you learn early - How you are happiest most doing some random, small thing that nobody else might care for (5-year-old me sitting at the front door, looking at the sky on top of the HDB opposite, legs hanging out of metal grille door, hands sometimes clutching the grilles while I look at the sky and sometimes sing some song in my own world).

And some things in life you learn, unlearn, and learn to admit - The joy of having someone do some random, small thing with you and share its depth of meaning, its simplicity and profound resonance.

Hope. So precious an unexplainable intangible. So tied up with "future" and "life". So full of love and faith.

I learn the meaning of all things good in my Jesus.

I will learn, sought to learn and seek still to learn to do this - "everywhere I go, I see You".

Open our minds, Lord. Teach me to see You.

18:21.

Some things, when laid down on the altar, don't get up again.

Some others, walk away changed forever.

What happens when you suspect a lifetime passion is going through an existential struggle?

Dad.

10:51.

Friday morning.

Woke up with a United live song going in my head, somewhere along the lyrics of "I know my God can save the day".

Jumped around singing that during my QT about 10 minutes after I woke up.

Got to work earlier than usual but bosses not around to debrief story. Boo!

On glass doors of office entrance: Wanted posters stuck up accusing a colleague (who's leaving today) of being a compulsive TV geek and another of being obsessive sluttish.

I laughed.

And I need some food

*scoots off to cafeteria upstairs*

18:01.

And for#%^&*$####!!!!!+&#%@&*! - Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. *throttles stress toy*

13:34.

For all my fellow sojourners.

Somewhere
Between the lost and the found
We're all hanging empty
Empty and upside down
But I'm hanging on
Though the fall may tempt me
And I believe in the dawn
Though I tremble in the night

Somewhere
Amidst these ins and these outs
There's a fine line of purpose
I follow even now
Through the haze of despair
That confuses and hurts us
I look to see that You're there
And I run toward Your light

Somewhere
Beyond these reasons and feelings
Somewhere
Beyond the passion and fatigue
I know You're there
And that Your Spirit is leading me
Somewhere
Beyond all this

Someday
Now I don't know when
But I know that You're coming
You're coming back again
And the earth will burn away
And the sky fill with thundering
As it announces the day
That has finally arrived

Somewhere
While the time is still now
While we're hanging empty
Empty and upside down
But I'm hanging on
With all that is in me
And I'll sing my songs
And I'll laugh until I fly

Somewhere
Beyond these reasons and feelings
Somewhere
Beyond the passion and fatigue
I know You're there
And that Your Spirit is leading me

Somewhere
Beyond all this
Somewhere
Beyond these reasons and feelings
Somewhere
Beyond the passion and fatigue
I know You're there
And that Your Spirit is leading me
Somewhere
Beyond all this

Somewhere
Take me away somewhere
Somewhere
Take me away somewhere
Somewhere
Bear me away somewhere
I gotta go somewhere
Somewhere

- Somewhere, Rich Mullins

16:09.

A news article excerpt:

"A S t r a i t s T i m e s survey suggests that God is big in Singapore, among people of all races and faiths, and even among those with no religion.

Just how big?

An overwhelming majority of the population - 86 per cent - have a religion. This figure has changed little for the past 25 years.

The ST survey also found that among those with no religion, 70 per cent saythey believe in God. Most were born into their faith but many converted as teenagers or youngadults.

The survey of 622 Singapore residents aged 15 and above also threw up details on how committed many are to their creed. It found that among those with a religion, half devote time every day of the week to prayer, meditation or the reading of religious books.

Close to half of this group will also not marry someone of a differentfaith. And one in 10 will consider going into religious service full time.

These findings are consistent with those of the World Values Survey, done here in 2002. Its poll of 1,512 Singapore citizens aged 20 and above found that 75 percent participate in religious activities 'regularly' or 'frequently'."

14:59.

*gasp*

And darn, there's no one immediate around that I can share this to but Delirious and Hillsongs are both coming to Singapore for this year's Festival Of Praise (Aug 5 to 7).

[Didn't want to sms you, r a y dear, in case I distract you from ULU2 prep :) ]

Whoa.

Delirious' website confirms it and so does Darlene Zschech's.

And there's Sonic Fest coming up end of this month where Sonicflood and Planetshakers will be here in the biggest Christian music fest we have ever had.

There's an extra draw inside this time because I have to admit it - I miss City Church's culture.

I miss knowing I can be totally unrestrained without being disruptive, for that is a concern for me.

It has been over five months since I am in Sg. Over 20+ weeks of playing the keyboard, guitar and drumming for church every Sunday I am present.

I love serving in the ministry and I make effort to worship while I play. My quiet times often are filled with enjoyable sing-loudd worship, just You and me. But I cannot deny I miss what I miss.

I miss the fellowship, I miss people with good hearts who just want to have clean fun, I miss having folks with open hearts, I miss having people pour into my lives and me being able to give back what I can, I miss being generally surrounded by people who don't feel a need to prove any thing.

That was the good life.

And yet this is a period when among other preparation, I am to learn with more finality and sureness what I want and do not want and what I am willing to give up or not to give up.

And that is good. We all got to bleed. Sometimes, we learn via scars.

"Hold me in Your arms
Never let me go
I want to spend eternity with You"

Jesus, You are still my first love. Evermore.

Thank You. 'cause I know You are with me, midair or underground, soaring or quivering, on solid ground or on water, in my joy or my sorrow, in Singapore or Melbourne or Malaysia or wherever You choose to take me.

I will always serve You.

Faith produces miracles.

Picture - Me, somewhere. Path - unseen. Route everywhere - Misty, blurred. I walk with head held up high. I realised walking with my head hanging down doesn't aid me any way. I continue to squint against the blurrness which obstructs my comprehension of what lies beyond. I walk. In Faith.

Because I can't see what's coming - thus, my foolishness has not limited what is to come in any mental picture - something exceedingly, abundantly far above all I could ever ask or imagine is just about to surprise me.

Come on, God.

In You I trust.

Take the world, but give me Jesus.

14:00.

It has been a month indeed.

30 days since I spent a Wednesday catching up on rest at 55/ 222, waiting for you to finish with internship, going over to 609, us going to Hoyts to book tickets, then to Kimchi Grandma, then to Hoyts again. Then it was a brisk walk (or trot) in the cold to find a cafe that was open and at that cafe, we became a couple.

:)

It was June 15 2005. I first met you on Feb 13 2004. You added me on Msn somewhere in early May and the chats begin. First drummed for you on May 28 2004.

July 15 2005, I have been calling you boyfriend for a month. And I'm still amazed at the man of God who calls me his girlfriend.

I'm still amazed when I look back and see how our journey has unfolded.

I'm still amazed by how God pulled us through.

And I know "that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Roms 8:28).

I love you, man 'o mine.

13:58.

And I miss the camaderie, the culture, the church, the o c f, the people... of home.

13:21.

How much can you miss a person? And yet God kept increasing our capacity to do so. How does one concentrate on work when one is almost pining for a loved one?

"I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home"
- Home, Michael Buble

And S k y e drags her mind forcefully back to the story she must file.

10:07.

It has been, ahem, a while since I am in the office this early. And I didn't just step in either, I was in since about 915am.

Here's a link frm ketiak's that I like. The copy got me thinking about something not unknown or strange to me but which I just feel like writing about.

Before that, it's ironic how that link brings you to a page where there's an advert for the reality series Rock Star: INXS, the series to find a replacement for the late Michael Hutchence.

Why it is ironic is because I am in the office this early to catch the live telecast of the pilot, then file (journo speak for finish writing) it before noon so the sub-editors on morning shift can lay the page before they leave.

And ta da, it turns out that despite every one assuming we have all cable channels, no, we don't. We have news and sports channels. Oh, poor mistreated entertainment journos are we. Is there a union for us?

Bygones.

The article talked about what a real rock star is.

Yes, I have my inclinations towards rock n roll and could wax lyrical about its magic but that's not what's on my mind at the moment.

Joan Jett wrote (or maybe dictated) in that article:

"True rock stars shouldn't like to call themselves a rock star. People like Mick Jagger and David Bowie know no other way to be. They don't plan their way of carrying themselves. It's in their bones."

There are some people who carry themselves different. Some set apart in their very essence. I'm not talking rock star. I'm talking about every day folks. You could be an accountant, a homemaker, a IT genius, a writer, a designer, a preacher, a busker, a cleaner, a retail staff... if you have eyes to see, you would notice some people are different.

They walk with a sureness that is unassuming and firm. They move with some sort of grace that even clumsiness can't completely hide. They - whether they show pleasure and joy with a chuckle or a bemused smile - are real. They are comfortable with their skin, and not afraid yet daring to be afraid. All at once childlike and more mature than you ever think you yourself could be. Sometimes.

Growing up, I remember noticing some folks who stood out like so.

And I reckon, know thyself.

Gnothi se auton

Identity.

I'm learning to know who I am in God. Who I am created to be, called to be, the power living in me.

He who is intimate with God is not intimidated by people - That's a favourite quote. Somewhere on my messy table at home, is a scrap of paper, part of an old envelope on which I scrawled those 11 words.

Know God. And you would know yourself.

Hmm.

19:01.

24
Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing
Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was
twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong

See I'm not copping out
not copping out
not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true
I'm singing
Spirit take me up in arms with You

You're raising the dead in me

I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause

I'm singing
Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me

Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts.

I'm not copping out.
Not copping out.
Not copping out.

- Switchfoot

24.
Lord and God, I rededicate this life to you.
Amidst the mundane, the rush, the routine that life sometimes lull about, Jesus, I'm Yours.
It has been quite a ride, hasn't it, Dad?
I am wowed by how You redeemed me and brought me ever to greater heights and brighter places.
I am wowed by how You show me the power of Light even when I see and walk through darker places.
I am wowed. By You.
Teach me, Lord to fly with You.
To never be afraid to be who You called me to be.
To dream and dare to be foolish.
You have called me by name and the name You chose for me is Giver Of Water.
My dearest Jesus, my closest Friend, my almighty Dad, let this life be worthy of that name.
Let my days be testament and witness, example and illustration of a life lived in Grace, in Mercy, in Love, in Faith, in all that You are.
Be God, be first, be always my First Love.
I will live the life that is truly life.
I will be a light.
I will be a giver of water.
Because You first loved me.

I remain: thankful.

Dad, *hugggggss*

I love You. Amen.

12:56.

Random:

I donated blood for the first time yesterday :)

12:21.

This will be a frivolous post.

I discovered accidentally yesterday that there is a game character called - get this - Singapore Skye. Came across this excerpt in the news archives:

"Singapore Skye
What: Singapore Skye is the name of the coolest, baddest, sassiest gun-totingcharacter in the Spycraft card game published by American company AlteracEntertainment Group.She's hip because: She has at-ti-tude. This pink-haired dynamo appears out ofnowhere to create even more mayhem whenever there's a shoot-out."

So I googled for more info when I got in today and here's a picture of what she looks like. I look less scary.

In less merry news, while googling, I discovered another S k y e T a n here on my home island.

And he's a guy.

In sort of the same industry too. Golly.

Bygones.

19:05.

I wish I can post a photo of the package that came through the air and courier yesterday. My digicam developed an ailment on my last morning in Melb though so that is out of commission, and I somehow can't get my phone to email the pic I took with it to my own account.

But well, I'm amazed, touched, blown away and very impressed with my boyfriend's ability to choose gifts.

[My birthday's coming up]

I feel like chronicling why I love them so much but I reckon, I would save that for another time. Am going to figure out how to get that pic in my phone to my email account so I can post it and then talk about everything.

In the meantime... R a y m o n d Chuah *shakes head* how do you do it?

You make me so happy :)

Circa June 11, Mornington. Good memories. [photo credit: Jono]

18:04.

I'm just sitting here, waiting.

Waiting for 1810 or thereabouts before I leave to meet a friend in town. She wants to shop, then we will do dinner.

I miss you.

The weekend always brings a new dimension to the yearning to be with you.

So even as I know and increasingly feel a clearer purpose for the distance, knowing we are being moulded and shaped and God has a big plan and reasons, heck, I miss you.

I miss you.

11:37.

My boyfriend was in a car accident on Wednesday.

He's fine, and so are both the drivers but that sentence above serves as a springboard for some of the thoughts swimming about my mind.

It's the first time in close to 24 years that I am calling someone "my boyfriend".

Of course, it was possible to engage that phrase sooner. If you want a relationship, you could find one. It's easy to return a smile, meet someone's eyes, respond. And next to these casual interests, there were good guys who make their stands clear, good guys who many other girls would say yes to.

I held out.

For a long time, I didn't want the involvement of a relationship.

When I was 17/ 18, I made a covenent with God not to date till I was 21 'cause I thought a relationship would dilute my focus on God.

Then, I developed a commitment phobia.

When you fall in love, you become vulnerable.

When you are in love, there is a certain dependency.

When you love, you share lives, you share hearts.

Call it part of my job, or part of the cynicism I know exist in me along with my idealism, but I've read more than enough stories about loss, I've met people who have lost their loved ones. And I know it is part of the inescapable risk of humanity - When you choose to love, you could be very hurt when you lose.

It's as if I thought about every thing that a relationship can bring and should and can be before I even was in a place where I knew I was ready to explore this new phrase of life.

I knew that when I fall, I would fall hard.

And I didn't want to spend the emotions and energy being involved with someone who doesn't make me feel like I want to love him forever and spend forever with him (Yes the definite first requirement is that I have to know God is not frowning upon us getting together).

Not fair to him and to me, love is not meant to be that way.

Faith - At the end of the day, I took that step of faith. We took that step together. Because it's with someone who feels so right, because the route we took to get here feels right too, because I know we have put God into us.

Faith.

There's a lot of that in our relationship.

We take a step of faith in loving despite knowing it comes with its risks. We exercise faith as we trust God that He will lead us, just as He has led. In faith, we pray that He will keep us as individuals safe even as in faith, we trust each other.

Long distance relationships seem to magnify the perennial issues in every love - Trust and faith.

In God.

In each other.

But I didn't enter this with eyes closed or for a lark.

We got together in the middle of the middle of the year.

Released - That's how I feel. Because we spent time to pray and seek God, because we took the time of the process, I feel released.

Released to love you.

And it has been half a month, boyfriend.

:)