18:15.

Some people seem to have it all together.

They understand why they are where they are, they can tell you about the meaning they have in their work and their life, they are set. Steadfast. Able to explain why they are cool with whatever happens.

Some people think I am one of those persons.

I am not.

For the life of me, though I do know with my entire being that all things work together for the good of those who love God and that things will always work out in His time, yes, I really wonder.

Wonder at why I am here.

In this country. In this company. In this church. Even in this family.

I'm nobody's saviour.

I'm thankful for what I have but I don't see my purpose for being here. I love my country, work, church and family but I don't see how I can plug the holes they have.

And I am a zillion percent aware that though I can be used as an instrument of God, I am not the answer.

Could I be the catalyst for bigger things? That history maker we sing about?

Yes.

But help me.

I have gone to bed with questions in my head, questions like those I have listed. And sometimes during these moments, when I got into my bed, I would be eager to close my eyes and let sleep overtake. So that I do not need to think.

Life is too long to live without purpose.

Life is not worth living without God.

I have God. And because I do believe in Him and all He promised, because I have touched the Divine and lived, because again and again, I have seen my God pull me through every closed wall and impossible situations, I can live.

Because of You. Because of the Love You have shown me and given to me through You and the people You have blessed me with.

But so help me, God.

I'm not that strong. And I need answers.

My Lord and God, make me steadfast. I hate it when I am double minded. I detest it when I am unsure about what I want. It's not about being weak. I know I am weak and I have acknowledged it but Lord, even in weakness, may I have conviction. May I have passion. May I not be average or mediocre or bend to other people's or society's will.

Dad....

I'm standing on Your Word.

Not my will but Yours be done, but my God, can I not be in the waiting for much longer?

Help.