20:44.

This is the first day of my third week of work. There are a few stories up in the air all at once now, you know, those half-researched stories that need some more direction or stuff before you start writing. Filed stuff so far includes just one story and one review.

I have taken to wearing my new pair of Levis' 593 (the exact same cut as that other pair I wore everywhere in Melbourne) to work, with a nice top and blazer over. Truth be told, I dress the same I would back in Melb, when I was merely going out.

Oh, no short skirts though. But in skinnyland SG and where going to town takes about an hour, and where I take public transport, somehow, the convenience of jeans is a whole lot more attractive. To continue on this inane out-of-mind thought, I should continue to give you the random useless information that even in Melb, I wore short skirts only when I wasn't going to be out long.

Yes, useless information spewed out. Now we move on.

My mind rewinds to that second last scene in Reality Bites, where Winona Ryder stands on her small little front porch that was more like an elevated place before her apartment's door, besides the staircase to the little front yard, and below, two metres away stood Ethan Hawke, his slouched posture in utter contrast to her straight nervous back.

They faced each other, faced off if you like and the camera cuts to Troy, the name of his character.

A medium close up of Troy, in a brown fitted suit, Troy with his greasy hair, stubble and squinty eyes full of pain. And as he described his sorrow over reacting that badly that other morning, he said something along the lines of, "it's like I have a mountain of regret on my shoulders".

It's like I have a mountain of emotions on my shoulder too, and whatever nerves and spots it is that they are pressing on, it causes my heart and head to feel that load's weight too.

What uncertainty does is show you with full clarity the few things you can depend on, while all around falls apart. What uncertainty also does is wear a few blisters onto your heart. But as clinched as it may sound and as trite or self-rationalising, I have to admit uncertainty teaches faith in a most decisive way.

It's hard to believe Glory to Glory in such: like you are standing on a mountaintop, except it's a really thin mountain, shaped like an i and all around is mist. Can't really see, though you are not in darkness, and you are not in the pits.

I am on a mountain top. But I can only see a circle around where I stand, just that bit of circumference about my feet, and I know I am on a mountaintop, somewhere high. But I can't see.

The number of questions that come to me amount in such frequency the questions sometimes seem to zoom into each other and I can't decipher one from the other when I actually stop and try to read them.

Oh, the emotions and the rationale. The head and the heart. The left brain and right. Jerusalem and Athens.

Reality's fight. Ideals' struggle.

"Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you;
He will never let the righteous fall."
- Ps 55:22

I learn and try to cast my cares on You.
You, Lord Jesus.
You.

When all is said and done, it's really all about You.

And I'm going to keep at this, all of this, because I know it's worth it and because I have to and want to. And I know I can.

I also know I am not going to glide through every thing. This is life. But more than that, I know I will get through whatever comes.

Because You are, I am.