16:49.

there are moments in life - you know them if you ever tried to live honestly and see - when your head and heart wars. they both hurt, even as they both strive for understanding beyond what is possible. if the mind and heart have hands, they would had been stretched out wide to the max. gripping any thing they can reach in hope of some relief.

some days, i fancy my non existent mental and heart tentacles could indeed be and in my mind's eye, i see them stretch, spread, enfold... like some scene from x-men of enroaching storms... the room i am in, the building, geography wider than the eye can see.

fancy that.

i could lift the top off this roof so i can see the sky again. and if it's dark, to see orien's belt, which has eluded my eyes for quite a while, though i seek it almost every time i walk home in the dark.

i suppose there are many manifold reasons why i am a comics fan.

but even on paper, the story doesn't end when you close the page. the emotions linger, the pain lasts, the surrealness of overlapping worlds exist in the minds and hearts of those who choose to allow the touch.

sometimes, i can see myself from outside of myself. like just now, during lunch hour, when i sought quietness and refuge at a corner where some of us in the office go to pray on wednesdays. for a while, it was as if my eyes disentangled and travelled and i could look at where me where i sat, in that corner, next to the floor to ceiling window wall.

at those moments where nothing makes sense, i stop and feel like the world stops with me. w h auden protested at the contrast of reality during those moments. i share those protests but yet feel increasingly the world come to a period when i do. like a 2d comic page, where i stand at the edge of a battered cliff, painted in hues tinged with blue and grey, overcast skies, soundless wind blowing not that i can feel it, head bowed and mind and heart ruptured at what i can't understand. still.

still can't understand.

and still, is the girl known by this name.

at those moments.

when your head's not right
and your heart's on fire
when understanding's a lie
and everything's a fight
all i know
all i know
is i find rest in You