14:03.

Flashback to Thurs: Ambling from office to ladies', still unawake from an early morning and two late work nights (left at 11.10pm on Wed) previously. Craving for something sweet for an energy boost and then, like an italicised scrolling text through my mind, I realised I was craving for a Safeways chocolate cookie. Not that there was a chance of getting my tired fingers on any of them at that time, so I shrugged and walked on, and dully marvelled at how one single mundane craving sums up so much.

As I type this, Grace should be in Melbourne. I smile at the thought. There's a girl who knows how the missing goes in Sg, and how when family responsibilites and personal desires clash, you just bite your lip and walk on and do the right thing.

There are perhaps three dreams I have had throughout my life - To write, to serve full-time in the ministry, and another which after my conversion, I realised was not worth the trying.

That third is chaff on the wind, the first, I've been doing and am doing still, the second still tries me, drives me, wears me, sometimes, it seems, teases me.

I'm getting so acquainted of Roms 4:8, the years have brought more situations where you are squashed like a pretzel and have no options but to walk on or lay down and die.

That last reminded me of Job's wife's words to her beleagued husband at the receiving end of a cosmic wager - curse God and lay down and die, she told her husband.

But no. Never let it be that we forsake You. Never let it be that we have any other God besides You. Ever let it be that we will seek Your Face.

And despite being a writer, it would seem I'm cursed with a mute's lot when grappling with destiny.

Dad, what would I look like by the time we get through this?

How many scars to wear, how contrasting the battle marks and the proud chin held high and back held straight.

What is the purpose of man?

I still ask questions which I do not hold capacity to understand in totality.

But this is how You made me.

And that is one of the lessons You are teaching me - to know me. To know me in You.