17:34.

It has been half a year now since this full-time gig got started.

Whew....

God has provided, God has guided and God has protected and blessed.

The ride has not been without my insecurities, pinches of boredom and my ego acting up. I'm learning to face the stuff in me that needs to be faced till we have faces.

Sometimes, at work, I get annoyed by what I'm too quick to term unprofessionalism or inefficency. Then, I remind myself that of all the contexts, being a full-time worker in para church organisations should come with patience, love and not the quick judgement.

But then, I reasoned and do believe, the house of God should be run most well, shouldn't it? Not that type of mechanical efficency that rather walk pass hurt passer-bys, no, God forbid, no. But shouldn't this house where we serve God at more overt a profession and organisation, and longer hours of well, work... be filled with excellence and work well done 'cause there is no One else more worthy to have good work done for and towards?

Yeah, I do think so.

So as I learn not to judge swiftly (learning that it is unpleasant to be the receiving end of snap judgements 'cause of my youth or appearance), I learn to be patient and has just recently learnt to tell co-workers firmly that certain work processes could be done another way for more efficiency.

I feel a bit like the way editing Tribune did, just a bit.

I learn humility when I acknowledge I have no right to judge my brothers and sisters like that (this does not include "sound judgement", which is biblical). And God shows me very clearly that I'm no better or higher.

My own boredom and inclination to swing to the other end of fast efficiency is like a thorn in the flesh, reminding me I do hv no right to be judge and arbitrator and also bothering me. I get bothered about my (lack of) character and of how far off I seem from who I want to be and how scary it might be that maybe I'm a lot lesser than what I used to think.

Lotsa thoughts. Lotsa thoughts.

And at the end of the day, I know that it is when I look to Him and not me that I escape the miry clay of me-dom. And I know a little deeper what grace and mercy mean to the wretched. And I try to rem that my identity and my dreams are hidden in Him alone, no matter comes what may.

And in the midst of the mist, the dream's a little sharper and I dream: I dream of a church where people are more alive than this, where people are drawn to give and connect to the Giver, not in monetary but in life - to give and see the miracle of receiving when your hands are wide open. I dream of a church where we won't serve God feebly or hide behind our walls, of people who are comfortable outside or in our walls, who know this world is not their home, not even the local church can pass as Home. I dream of a church where passionate are the people, and that passion translates into action. Efficient in processes, big in heart, demanding of self for improvement and yet restful in Salvation.

Oh Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord, won't You keep this dream and make it big?

Jesus. My life is in You.