13:46.

I miss home.

And though home is somewhere above the great beyond and nationality and race don't matter on where your heart and soul ultimately belongs to, the periodical little squeeze of the heart when I think of the woodlands home is effortlessly real and tangible.

I know this year's lessons included the drilling in of my citizenship and I do know it but well, yes, sometimes, I do miss home and that little bedroom with the cooling breeze and that super single bed with that high thread count green mattress sheet which I slept on for 8 years and just the sounds of the household moving about, each on their own thang and the casual easiness of life under your parents' roof perhaps. hah.

2008 is almost over and 2009 is nigh. In the midst of the many matters to sort out before Christmas, Lord, my soul longs for solitude with You.

Happy birthday, Jesus Christ. I love You. Whatever the cost.

"'cause You paid the price, I give You my life. I'm Yours."

22:51.

It's the most wonderful time of the year. Christmas so near, holidays abundant, even rainy weather to make me feel happy, very blissful. Lots of work to finish up and 2009 already looks way busy but here, where You are, all is well.

Peace on earth, good will to man.

How powerful - That the arrival of God Himself came with a blessing of peace on earth, a bestowing, desire, reaching out that is good will to man.

My dearest Jesus Christ, Savior King, awesome God, maker of the universe who died for me, take me away to somewhere deep. Deeper in You, where "me" is more lost and head-over-heels into You.

In the midst of this adulthood that feels so strange and new and old and frail all at once, You remain constant, my anchor and sole grip that can make all things right and give all matters sense.

What a year it has been.

And what a year 2009 will be.

Dear, dear Lord, hold me close, hold us close for it's in You and You alone that chaos is broken the way only the peace that surpasses all understanding can.

I hold on tight, hold out my arms, lift my leg, close my eyes and take the leap.

To jump. To laugh. To run. To dare. To breath. To live. To fly.

In You.

Only You, Jesus, only You.

*hugs*

11:28.

The thing I miss most about journalism is telling stories. For that crazy privilege of being able to ask people all and sundry about their lives so I can put in down in ink.

Everyone has a story. Just that not all can be told. At least, not in newsprint. So with every story told, it felt like a small step forward, a progressive development towards an ideal - a world when everyone's story gets attention and space.

Being in the business world feels different - Less re-tolding of stories, or digging of souls, just the re-telling of instructions and the continuous strive to instruct and mold a business plan into a story that hits more than just the bottomline.

Never wanted to be an editor much, just wanted to be the storyteller.

17:13.

The tools of our trade aren't for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture." - 2 Corinthians 10:4

Our tools are for expression, for bringing to the light what is dark, for articulating the desires of God's heart and drawing out the yearnings of men's and in doing so, to turn the tide, strike the bell, change the world.

11:12.

one of these days
we'll be elsewhere
shining like the sun

fulfilled, complete, done

a day beyond the rainbow's arch
where tears r none n pain is done
we'll be singing, we'll be singing

hallelujah
hallelujah
hallelujah
hallelujah

someday past what our eyes can see
that rainbow connection for u and me
past the striving, the knots n jolts

final. sorted. finished triumph.

18:37.

She writes.
like a crazy dream.
that somehow sinks.
and catches ur mind.
to make u think.

18:32.

One day, I want my own photo booth in our home, love.

One like those we used to lark ard in. Those that takes 4 different shots, not 1. Those that go off with a old sch flash and make u wait outside (or inside) while it develops.

One day, we will get that ya and just duck in for random snaps.

1547.

What to say
the difference a ring makes on the heart
How to express
the weight of my love on the same bed

The tears shed at a milestone
over the miles we came on this road
The hope and fears gone
of the miles yet to face, to face as one

We will dance
Songbird
Lithium Flower
City Of Blinding Lights

Hands and hearts knitted
Vows made and tears exchanged
12 July 2008 Saujana poolside
Set in film, print and hearts

The Best Is Yet To Come

Honeybunny, sugar love
Ray mond Chuah
Husband, best friend, man o' mine

Love
Love
Love

July 12 2008.

Skye Tan is now married :)

1037.

It is 18 days away from our wedding. I type this sitting at the home of my teenhood days on possibly the last trip I have in this dear home and country as a single girl. Just my parents' daughter, my brother's sister, my friend's friend and another regular sg girl.

Next time I'm back, I come back as a married woman. And add to the list of roles and hats that of a wife, a daughter now married, a sister now under another man's protection.

Oh wow.

The slight HDB wind wafts through my always opened windows. Why "HDB wind"? 'cause the wind does smell distinct here somehow, not in any bad way at all but with the tinge of homes and laundry.

Wish I have a longer time to meander and linger, mosey and potter around, thump about on the keys and strum some guitar and just relish in the smell of memories and good times.

Oh wow.

Dear Lord, what a long way we have come. Long way You have brought me. Hold my heart, hold my hand, Jesus. Thank You that You never let me go.

I've been back since after midnight Sat night (Sun morning) and will be going back tomw on the 3pm bus.

The days have been busy, shopping for dad, shopping with mom, shopping for me with mom and aunt nancy and running errands all about in between.

Yeserday, we were searching for my jewellery for the wedding. Mom took out her "4 pcs of gold" to show me, that (literally) 4 items that was in her dowry back I think 30 years ago.

And somehow in the midst of all that, my tension (I think I'm just very work oriented at the moment) dissipated and I feel for the first time a glow and pride in these cultural heritage processes and meaning.

Why not. I'm Chinese and of a generation that thankfully still understands heritage and is proud of it. Sentimentality encased in metals that never erode... there's something to be said for that. Having something to bring out and show my own kids one day and tell them it was from my wedding, well, I think tt could be sweet indeed.

Mom still has the little bracelet I used to wear as a kid with the name "Jean Tan" engraved on it on a little plate. And the little gold chain with a gold coin pendant, how classic is that.

Dear Lord Jesus, take this lump in my throat and flutters around my heart and make it something gold and whole and eternally a memory in your mansion with many rooms in your book with all truths and bes.

Take my heart and make it thine. And keep me Yours for all of time.

14:57.

The wheels are turning so rapidly these few days I feel so thankful every time I get to lie down on my bed again. Feel the tired come out of my back. Close my eyes without having to keep the brain chugging. And just rest.

It's a Tuesday. The bosses are all away on a Bali trip and I have a lot of stuff to get through today before I go for my 2nd work trip with my current co. Going to Phuket which I nv been to before, and which actually, I reckon is not a place to have work trips but real trips with friends you can laze on beaches with.

Still, that said, a free trip is good. And that said, the greater asia conf should be an eye-opener and learning oppt.

Come Thurs, there will be another line drawn in the sand as we approach just 1 month more to the wedding.

I think coordinating such an impt event should be a full-time job 'cause there's really so much to do and work is so busy it doesn't ease up much.

But I'm not taking a 10min break from the work to gripe or even gush.

I'm writing 'cause I read a little girl's blog and her passion for Christ and life made me smile.

I prayed the other day that I want first and foremost You. Not the ordinary life. Not the happy family nuff is me. Not the 2 and a half kids. None of all of these unless You are in all of them. It's still all about You. I still want You first.

Oh Lord, break my heart to love You with a desperation and tenacity that is not quiet or still, but ever striving, ever pushing forward, ever needing more of You.

I want to love You, live extraordinarily. Create order in chaos creatively.

And I want to keep pulling and pushing until something breaks. 'cause like that blog illustrated, a life change is worth all the in-between to get there.

22:34.

I'm trying to find out where best we can stay at in Koh Samui, if we do decide to go there for our honeymoon in *takes deep breath* 3 months and 2 days time.

I'm sitting in my brother's room, back home in Singapore, enjoying 3mb broadband and just generally the life of a kid. No work, in my ratty pjs, lounging around all day reading comics, eating, snacking on fruits, watching some tv, reading the papers and just catching up on much needed r & r.

In less than 3 months time, I'll be a married woman. And in the last few weeks, I've been aware of the multiple roles and hats we wear in life. In Msia, the hats I wear more are that of a fiancee, a soon-to-be daughter-in-law, an employee, a carrier in church. Reckon that's why for the last few weeks, I really felt I needed a break and just come back to my family home and be just a daughter. No need to work, no need to worry abt the bacon, no need to do any thing really. It's a good feeling.

Life has been very full these days. Not in a bad way at all but just full steam ahead on all fronts. Work takes a lot of hours. I am more active in church than ever. We have a wedding to finish planning. A condo to finish renovating. I also have a hungry soul that needs more of God and wants more time to push all the work away for some down time with the lover of my soul.

Last week, I was in church on a Wed night for prayer meeting and after praying over our church and just getting to that place where you understand more what "travail" means, a song about giving God my life and all my heart and all that started playing and I started crying again, this time for me and You. I prayed that yes, I'd stay in Msia for the long haul if that's what You want. That yes, though I've said it before and meant it, this time, it's like the sacrifice on the altar, a conscious pulling back of my focus and the flesh that creeps away from the altar and look elsewhere.

I consecrated myself anew. And later, when chatting with pastor, I realised waitaminute, this (April 9) was the exact date I left for Malaysia 2 years ago. I checked my calendar in my hp to verify it and sure nuff, under April 9 2006, an entry that simply said "PJ".

God has a way of reminding you of the matters that matter most.

It's okay to have 2 homes but, watch it, have your focus remain on that mansion in the sky.

It's okay to nurse in the familiar but hey, don't get snared in the comfortable.

It's all good and dandy when He stays in charge.

And I'm really enjoying this time out.

See ya guys back home on Sunday. By that, I mean KL.

18:58.

When a big story breaks, like these Pulitizer prize winning ones - I imagine you chase it like your soul has suddenly been gripped by a giant cosmic hand. And your heart beats faster yet steadily 'cause you are on the track or in the midst of something that matters. Not just to the nucleus the story directly involves, not just an inner circle, but to humankind, to the world. And as a news hound, as a journo, you know you are on something big. Or think you know, maybe perhaps definitely maybe. But in the eye of the tornado, you are caught up and it's as if your own humanity is suspended as you are whirled up in the greater-than-me.

I'll, in all likelihood, never be that war correspondent I once wanted to be. And honestly, I don't think I fancy so the same way any more. But that in-the-zone feel, will that ever hold me again? Just 'cause I'm prejudiced (and believe rightly so) and believes journ imparts a different essence to the many zones people get into, I feel just a slight tad bit sad.

1344.

Be my focus
Be my Cause
Be my joy and be my song

Be my light
Be my pride
Be my precious, my delight

Be my need
Be my heart
Be my soul and be my mind

Be my all
Be my call
Be my obsession, my life yours

Jesus

1105.

I like walking.

Taking slow strolls on my own time, through urban landscapes or half transformed cities. Just me and my God and my thoughts and His.

When I walk, in my head, it's almost as if there's a still camera just moving on ahead in front of me, fixated on chronicling my still ramblings. It's like some old MTV, where the colours switch between the muted and intense, all the while remaining simply so, still.

Putting my foot one ahead of the other puts me in an optimum mode to think. No one rushing me, no obligation for conversation or facades, just me walking getting somewhere.

I like to think it's a parable of life of sorts.

Oops, U2's Walk On just started playing in my head.

I think I like walking in the same way I like rainy days. Both still the soul in myriad ways. They remind me of the great beyond, of the more than this, of perspective. They quiet me and in their movement, are catalysts of whatever needed funneling out of me at those moments.

I miss walking more. Whereby in Sg, I was public transport bound and did loads of walking. Here, cars are the mode of preference. Hey, no complaints, mind you. Besides the convenience and comfort level, it means I get to wear pretty shoes when I want to :)

It's strange how in my head, I sometimes just recall impromptu scenes of walking to places - At Ang Mo Kio, the town I grew up in... walking from the library back home, talking to myself when I was sure there's no one behind or around; at the open space with the steps at Ang Mo Kio central, towards the bakery and away from the old classic emporium (ren ming, was that its name?); on the road home from the bus stop where I take bus 900.

Maybe it's somewhere tied to independence. Maybe it's just my introverted self enjoying sojourns and trips. It's just very lovely being able to... well, walk.

What say?

12:38.

It's been heaps long since I logged into Blogger. And even longer since I logged in and managed to start a post proper.

Among other reasons, I suppose today's oddity can be credited to the 4-day MC I'm on due to last Thurs' wisdom tooth surgery.

Getting older is a strange deal - Wisdom teeth, aches and such, the lack of aptitude for late nights jaunts and all that were common back when I was new to being a 20-something.

Since I last posted - And it does seem terrible of me to be doing a summary to these matters so significant but it has been months since I last posted - I have gotten engaged(!). Ray proposed on our Sg trip on Oct 31st. We have bought a condo together, I have got a promotion, started co-leading a Life Group, we both have stepped up our commitment to church and ministry
and seriously started on the wedding prep.

The past few months have passed seemingly in a rush. Over 4 months since we changed our status on Facebook to "engaged" (and got a torrent of very nice congratulory messages). One year since I became an "expat" (inverted commas 'cause I really don't get treated like one!). Almost two years since I moved here.

Yessir, this year's been a rush all right.

Just now, while reading the papers and eating my brunch, Ray's mom had on a Mandarin radio station which was playing some 90s songs. And it's as if the nostalgia from Faye Wong's Ni Kuai Le Jiu Si Wo Kuai Le (I think my pinyin just gone from bad to worst), and all the wave of remembering how far You have brought me came together in a sweep.

Our church's on this Journal journey together when there are designated scriptures every day to read and then reflect upon. The past few days, we have been on Deut where at the threshold of the promised land, Moses recaps on all that has happened since the exodus. He remembers, he reminds the people and he exhort the people to remember all that the Lord has done and not to forget the Lord Our God as He now takes us into that land flowing with milk and honey.

Be ruthless with sin. Remember the Lord your God. And don't let the good stuff distract you from the Giver of the best.

On Sat morning, for the 1st time, Ray preached at a church's youth service :) Pr Mark sent him there. It's strange feeling like a pastor's wife (oh, I still rem how indignant I felt when a pastor first suggested to me that may be my call, instead of being a pastor myself) but very awesome to see my man rise up in His call.

This is a big year. A very big year. Marriage, Ministry, Career, Family, Friends... every thing's at a speed that is faster than before, as if they are all rushing towards a big bang of fulfillment and clarity that prev escaped my feeble eyes.

And in the midst of all of these, a cry from my soul has arose.

I need God.

I need God so much. I want God so much I feel almost desperate. There's so much more of the Divine to know and embrace. So much more of the big-ness of my Lord that I have failed to grasp. So much more of the Divine substance marriage with the human will to have. So much more of You, so much less of me to want.

The age of my years (going 27 now) almost weighs on me. I have heard and followed and tried to do the right things. And He has been faithful. But the distance between my heart and head seemed to have increased the last few months and now that You have made it aware to me, I am stepping out. I'm stepping out and I'm stepping up. More of You, less of me, Lord. More of You, less of me.

Every aspect of my life's going awesome. This is a good place to be at. But the truth - as it always remains, that unbending constant whisper from the eternity in one's soul - there's more than these. It's not just there must be more, but I know there is more. And as lovely as all are now, I can't just revel and be satisfied. I want more of God.

I need more of God. And I don't want to live any day without an increase in the knowledge of You and me in You and You in me.

I love You, Lord. We love You, Lord. And we dedicate every single day to You. For the plans we dream but are scared to hope in, for the hopes and fears entangled in humanity, for the dreams of faith and cry to soar... hold our hearts and hold our heads. We give all to You.

"Break our hearts for what break Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's Cause"

Praise You.

Amen.