14:29.

"The more you see the less you know
The less you find out as you go
I knew much more then than I do now"

- City Of Blinding Lights, U2

Sometimes, that seems awfully true. I am learning a lot but at the same time, stuff that were simpler seems increasing harder. The way I approach some things seems to be less black and white, or maybe it's more black and white.

I've learnt many things this past year. One big lesson was to trust God to watch my back and be my defender when it comes to reputation. If people want to slam, if they want to slander, yeah, I first react with mute surprise then the classic symptoms of denial including anger (Any one rem that scene from High Fidelity where John Cusack imagined pulling out an air con unit and bashing up his rival in love? haha) 'cause I don't understand why such actions could ever be thought as acceptable, especially from fellow believers. But I withdraw my claws and allow myself to admit I'm saddened and I tell God about it and pray He help me not become or be the same.

But God is always faithful and I'm glad He is a warrior and a King, the Lion Of Judah not just the Lamb of God. I'm learning that it's acceptable to be angry (no, the pull off aircon bash people part was just funny... well, you have to see it) at the things He's angry at, even when these things come sugar coated at times.

And this is a big one - My heart is understanding more completely that it is true - There is no divide between the sacred and the secular. Each is a minister. And being effective for God is what counts. I'm quite sick of would-be godly types being proved hypocriterical or just poor vessels by their ineffectiveness. I'm really sick of wayangs.

You can be a minister and be bound for lesser rewards in heaven than say, a politician who's not always popular or on majority agreement's side but whose effectiveness for Christ outshines that minister. Not that it's about rewards but see, it's not about masks either.

If I'm honest, it's hard for me to let on I'm hurt sometimes. And keeping quiet seem to sometimes result in sadness. Be still my heart, God knows Your path.