22:17.

Hallo, can you hear me?

I'm restless, restless, restless. Is there something I want? Maybe everything, I'm not too sure but now is not the time for me to talk priorities with me.

It's the 3rd week of school and today, for what I believe to be the first time, I walked home from school feeling contented and happy. It was just after a short rain which must had fell while I was in lecture watching a documentary about the British beat boom which included a lot of The Beatles.

"I like this weather" - That was one of the first thoughts I had. The weather was refreshingly biting and fresh but not cold enough for me to feel uncomfortable in my jeans, tee and a fairly thin jacket.

I was wondering at the breakfast table this morning if I'm already too cynical, too jaded, and if these could be the reasons why I'm not excited and feeling alive.

Yeah, it has been bothering me - my lack of excitement.

This year - already given to God a few times over - was seen as, and is, a clean break away from the life I led for a while. The life that was devoted to work, and when work got too tough, I indulged in shopping therapy.

The life that was fulfilling when I finished a spanking article by 2am, the life when I had the license to probe into strangers' lives, a life when I was finding comfort in the little things.

I suppose I sound like I'm looking over my shoulder. Am I? I'm not too sure really. As I sit here typing this, my heart is aching. Sounds like a bad song but I'm not too sure why my heart is saying something I just don't understand.

I like my life now though I miss especially getting calls and being able to call people, arrange meetings or talk about nothing.

Be still and know I'm God. Be still, be still.

Thrice now, once while eating breakfast one day, once more today while walking home, and once just staring out of the balcony - The silent thought, swift and fleeting, raced through my mind: I'll be sad to leave. And it's just eight months more to go.

So soon, it will be gone.

Life is like that, at least, it has been so to me. Increasingly, with each and every day, time seems to bear down on me.

It's not just about getting older, turning 23 in four months time, though getting older is symbolic and representative of the continuity of time.

Psalm 39 speaks of numbering my days. I'm all too aware of the limited span life holds and now and then, at moments like this, it's like I bow in weight of this truism.

I wish I can express this all better but maybe it's part of some holy mystery at work in me but life, oh life.

I have flown away and indeed I am midair. But I'm not too sure of the world I am in here. Where can I go and what can and can't I do? I'm alone, with God, but the wind rushing pass my ears and into my eyes obscures my vision and hearing.

More than ever, I'm using my legs. More than ever, I'm sure and unsure all at once. More than ever, I feel secure but yet, yes, I'm not quite sure where I am.

I'm only sure of one thing - that God is with me, that He who has started a good work in me will complete it.

All things else - my heart included - I'm afraid I'm not sure of them.