10:54.

Spring turns my thoughts to Singapore.

It's the warmer weather, I guess, and the rains, but the pivotal thing would be the feel of the air. There's a certain smell in Spring's embrace that is similar to Singapore in the evenings. The first time it hit me, I had to shake my head to clear the deja vu.

Even now. Nursing my empty cuppa black tea and flanked by my brekkie plate with toast remnants and the big picture window into the outside world, half of me is doing a curious cautious dance with that deja vu, which the dreary half-overcast sky brought.

Maybe it's part of being sick for 8 days with nights spent pulling the duvet over my head so I won't disturb my roommate with my hacking coughs, and a particular bad night where I literally burned in discomfort and sleeplessness; maybe it's the admin problems the school provided regarding certified true copies of my transcripts and me feeling rather helpless that I can't do any thing from here except call home and get my bro to run errands for me (bless his heart, he did, and I do miss him); maybe it's hearing the "miss you" in my Dad's voice when I call home but I miss my family so much.

The idea of being stateless seem to mean so much. This idea, first introduced in cinema classes in relation to the characters of anime... dye my hair blue and get me some cute outfit, no wait, I don't mean it. Not the latter half any way.

I can never be Su Tan.

That's the name I am called by by admin people and doctors and what-nots, people who look at an application form and automatically assume the first word of my Chinese name is my first name. Considering I have two Christian names, I really don't quite get why they don't just use either one.

Su Tan is a butchered name, a created entity due to her Asian-ness of which she is very proud of. Su Tan is an invented name for a person who does not exist.

I can never be Su Tan.

Perhaps this is why at this moment any way, I know that Australia can never be where I settle down in.

Stateless.

God help me get sorted out, lead me as I send resumes, hold my heart and let me not be a cynical punk.

I can fly. And I will fly above the chaos and find the order in my head and heart.