13:56.

"Five bucks, a coffee and a fag, that's all we need."

Or something like that, from Reality Bites between Winona and Ethan's characters.

I have not wanted to sleep the last two nights. My body did, the rest of me didn't. I wanted to sit, just sit and think and space out in intervals, maybe things will seem clearer to me if I work my body and mind out of my rountine.

Get me an Ethan, I have five bucks, we can have a coffee and skip the fag.

I believe in words. If I speak, will reality's boundaries and lines seem clearer?

I don't want normalcy, yet I seek some sort of balance in the wise restraints. I want to walk on the edge and feel like I am doing so all the time so should I throw my caution off the cliff?

Some days, nothing makes sense, least of all my own head and heart and their uniform foolishness.

I am much afraid of settling. Not settling as in marriage and kids, but settling as in compromise. I don't ever want to settle for someone because I am tired of holding out for the right one or finding it too hard to believe in there being one right one. I don't ever want to settle in a church that is comfortably, possible complacent, for my weak soul. I don't want to ever settle for a job that is okay. I don't ever want to be in the middle.

So should I now jump?

My soul feels like it is just being squeezed.

And to be random, as a sidenote, Metalica: Some Kind Of Monster is a great documentary. Go catch it, even if you are not a fan. I am not really one but I love music.

My Lord and God, Jesus Christ, give me some peace. Or help me receive it.