13:53.

1130pm last night, feverish and with a sore throat, I sat before God and was quiet. Just asking Dad honestly, what should I do? The nature of time cannot be stopped and I will not refuse to move on but what should I do? Next year this time, where would I be? Last year this time, I was in the newsroom. 2002 this time, I just started work at the daily. 2001 this time, I was doing Tribune and loving it.

The bug got too much for me and I crawled into bed, the same questions running through my mind and directed towards God and myself. I tried to keep my eyes open but must had failed. Woke up at 10am today with the house phone ringing, painfully dragged myself up and answered with a surprisingly hoarse voice. An ex-colleague - whom I rather liked as a person and don't mind being called - was asking if I had contacts in Perth she could use. I crawled back into bed, aching bones refusing to stay upright, and woke again at 1230pm.

Scones and tea for brekkie. Joy. And then Germaine alerted me to the news back home. I really didn't see this coming and it didn't bring any emotions remotely relating to positivity.

I look at my home, Singapore, and don't quite see a place where I want to work. Yes, my dreams were simple. The two Singaporean publications I wanted to write for when I was a journalist-wannabe growing up have carried my bylines in them before I turned 21.

Yes, it would be a thrill (perhaps) to do politics or reach correspondent level but I am not excited by these. I would say I have done most of what I wanted to do. Small dreams, maybe but as far as writing goes, here, these are the stuff I want to do:

- Cover a war
- Have my own column
- Interview U2
- Write for a good Christian mag

As I typed that list, I saw an image of myself with ahem, Nelson Mandala, and literally felt the wonder and captivated attention and curiousity I feel when interviewing a subject. I still believe that every one has a story to tell. I still believe and want to tell those stories. I still want to craft art with words and be that stupid idealistic dreamer (took the words out of your mouth, eh?).

So yes, I can still be in the business for a long time because I still love writing so much.

But God help me, I can't see very much right now.